Always Questioning

a long time again

2011-09-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

Asher-Shiloh-June Helen
4 weeks
It's been a long long time again since I've posted anything here. I, regrettably, am not organized and am not a good time manager. So I'm writing at 12:54am, knowing I will hate myself for it in the morning, but that in 10 years I'll be glad I took the time to jot these things down.

June Helen has been such a blessing to us, I couldn't have imagined a better addition to our wild brood. From the very beginning, the first night in the hospital, she has made it easy to fall in love with her.

The night she was born she slept a 5 hour stretch and has continued to sleep between 4-5 hours at a time at night. She rarely cries, and if so it is short lived and usually only happens if I can't get to her after she's been grunting and whimpering for quite a bit. She is so patient with me, waiting out a feeding if necessary so I can wrangle the crazy big kids. She eats well, is gaining weight well and is just precious. She is a beautiful baby, inside and out and I find myself hoping she will continue with this gentle, care free soul she seems to possess.

Ash and Shi adore her, I think she is easy for them to love too. She gave us her first smiles just before she turned 4 weeks old and gave them most readily to Asher. He tells her every day that she's beautiful and "so cute" and tells me that he's so glad she's his sister. Shiloh wants to help with her often and asks to hold her several times a day. I dream and dream about their sisterly bond, hoping and praying that they will be best friends, that they will be a very special part of each others lives some day.

I'm finding myself feeling guilty about my relationship with Asher a lot. Some times I feel like my lack of understanding of children and my inconsistent parenting has ruined him. I don't realize I've been inconsistent but his behavior proves it to be true. He manipulates me with whining and fussing often, which can only stem from my own lazy character flaws, giving into his demands without even recognizing that I'm doing it. I'm working hard to reverse the damage, but it's been tumultuous. I'm determined not to be indulgent with Shiloh and June.

Despite the difficulties lately, I love being a mom, love staying home with these amazing blessings, I feel so fortunate to have been chosen for this life. It is such a gift.

what a difference a year makes

2011-02-27T07:22:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at my children. I'm confident that ALL mothers feel this way, but the changes a child makes in how they look, their personality, their behavior over the span of a mere year is just incredible.

Asher-age 2
A year ago Asher was just at the cusp of his language explosion, silly and talking up a storm, absorbing everything and anything we exposed him to. He was outgoing and silly, a mommy's boy and a lover of parks and swings.

Asher-age 3
Now, at 3, he has become more reserved, some what timid in social settings, his emotional roller coasters are pretty intense and can be exhausting, such a test of our patience and self control. He talks with a full vocabulary and is often amazing us with the insightful and thoughtful observations he makes. He can identify both upper and lower case letters, numbers up to 20 and is really enjoying learning the sounds that letters make, often sitting for long periods of time playing his wooden site words puzzle. His love of music and singing make us constantly wonder if it will become a passion he develops in time. I'm certain he knows far more than we even realize. He is a sensitive and artistic soul all the while loving a good wrestle and to "fight" with Daddy and his friends, to jump off of furniture and climb as high as he can go. He asks us often if we think he is a "tough guy." I never realized how challenging it would be to be at this stage of teaching a child moral reasons for their behavior, like why we share, why we give money away, why we are patient with sassy little sisters. He is my little buddy and big helper, always wanting to play close by, happiest when I stop to do a puzzle with him or when we color together. He tells me often, "Mommy, you're the best." My heart soars. I am in love with observing his heart as it slowly pulls toward Daddy and the connection that is thriving there. What a gift a strong father is.

Shiloh-4 weeks old
Oh Shiloh, what a wild, joyful child she is! Our first few months together were so hard, wracked with nursing difficulties and even more arduous sleeping stresses. She hardly slept unless it was on my chest, a few minutes in the bassinet had her wailing like the world was ending. Then the stresses of Daddy's long hours away and trying to learn to balance a new baby with a rambunctious 2 year old often left me in quiet tears at night.

Shiloh-1 year old
Six months later and little Shiloh turned around in such a wonderful, positive way. She started sleeping 11-12 hours at night, taking 2-3 hour naps, turned out to be a wonderful eater of all foods and has such a genuine spirit of happiness and joy. She knows exactly how to get a laugh, loves to make silly faces and stick her tongue out. But boy, is she ever a stubborn, busy toddler! She is far messier than Asher ever was (who to this day puts his shoes away exactly the same every time and hates to get his hands sticky), loving to mash food in her hair when I'm not looking and pull everything from a shelf at once. She is a difficult one to train in all manners of sitting still and quietness, quick to scream like a banshee when her way is not being had. And oh man, does she ever know how to pester her big brother! She is learning to talk well, probably mostly by observing big brother's good communication. She says Mommy, Daddy, Bubba, ball, poo poo (when her diaper is dirty!), drink, please, thank you, all done and a handful of other words. She learned to sign most of these things as well. I get the feeling that she and Ash are going to wear us out with their incessant talking!

Baby D #3 at 20 weeks
But what joy it is to see a brother and sister learn to love one another. Those surprise moments when I walk into Asher's room to see he and Shiloh curled up in the bed together looking at books. To watch as she tries to imitate his every move, the sweet night night hugs and kisses they give each other. While I am exceedingly more nervous about adding a newborn to this feisty crew, I am so also so full of anticipation to see how these two children with hearts full of love welcome their newest brother or sister. The next few years are going to be a wild, crazy ride...but I wouldn't change it for the world.

what to do with all this snow?!

2011-02-08T05:27:00.000-08:00

A chronicle of our post-blizzard activities

After 17 inches of snowfall, this is what our driveway scene looked like

Corey had his work cut out for him! Here he is SLOWLY digging out from the driveway, while Asher threw snow at him and jumped on the "snow walls" over and over again!

With most of the driveway shoveled, Ash and Daddy try to help an elderly man who got his car stuck in front of our house.

The finished product, a snow-free and safe driveway and side walk. Thanks boys!

And what to do with all this snow? Make "snow ice cream", of course! It wasn't very tasty, but it was fun to make!

guy time

2011-01-29T19:48:00.000-08:00

Daddy's picture of Asher enjoying guy time

Asher's picture of Daddy enjoying guy time, and yes, Asher took this himself with Corey's iPhone!!

There is this wonderful little tradition that has started this year that just melts my heart and makes me so proud to be married to such a good man, a stellar father. Corey is on-call a lot this year which is different that what most people assume. At OSF being "on-call" doesn't mean that you get to go home with your pager and come in when they need you. Call nights means a 30 hour, overnight shift where the resident is glued to a giant monitor that holds a cryptic image, of which their interpretation could mean life or death. No pressure. Oh, and they are lucky to get a 2 hour interval of sleep. In 30 hours. So, I digress. Back to the "melt-my-heart" part of the story like around here we like to call "guy time."

On post-call days Corey usually gets home around 10am, showers and then takes Asher out for an hour or two of alone time together, which inevitably includes a coffee shop and a toy store at some point. The coffee shop for Daddy (remember, 30 hours), the toy store for the boy (and no, he doesn't actually GET a toy, he just likes playing with them there). I see this being a really memorable and special memory for Asher and a tradition that I hope sticks long after call in said and done. Even long after Asher has grown from a little boy, to an adolescent to, dare I say, a man.

Hiatus

2011-01-22T20:13:00.001-08:00

So I'm taking a break from Facebook. I'm getting a WHOLE lot more done.

Pictures

2011-01-20T05:05:00.001-08:00

Oh, and the pics from the post before the first phone one are pictures that Asher took on a camera we gave him that a friend was going to throw out! He gets some cool ones sometimes!

iPhone posting

2011-01-20T04:49:00.001-08:00

I've been out of the blogging loop for quite some time, mostly due to Corey's need for the computer at work. But today, I found an app for my phone that let's me blog so now you'll be hearing from our little world much more!

A little update on the kids:
Baby is growing and doing well, I'm 16 weeks along and thus far this has been the hardest of my pregnancies. Lots of varicose vein pain and sciatic nerve stuff, but I still feel really fortunate compared to what some go through!

Shiloh is 16 months of fun and erratic emotions! She is so so happy most of the time but when she wants her way her fits are raging!!! And man, does she ever scream! But she also giggles nonstop, dances at every inkling of a beat and loves to be just like big brother. She's talking a little but mostly uses her signs. She says daddy, bubba, doggie, ball, please, thank you, this and mine. The mine is kind of funny, it usually comes out when Ash is trying to swipe something!

Asher is just awesome. He still has the occasional emotional melt down but really seems to be growing past them. He is so helpful and loves loves his sissy. He told me he wants the new baby to be a girl, "cause I just love my sister." he's a bit wild and we're working on him not using his hands to show people he's excited. He often ends up hitting or pinching cheeks when he's happy to see someone. I think he's going to grow out of that too.

My index finger is tired from all the typing, I'll upload pictures soon!

Shiloh's First Year

2010-11-21T16:04:00.001-08:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

can you believe in this?

2010-11-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going to write something here that may shock many of you, something deeply personal that will make me vehemently vulnerable to attack. A great deal of those reading this will dismiss it as something other than what I believe it was, they will deem me a fanatic, misguided, or some other form of out of my mind. What I know, is that I'm going to write the truth as I experienced it here, and the rest is up to you.

"Asher" is a Hebrew word. It means happy, blessed. For the first 2 years of his life our Asher was so true to his namesake. He was silly and loved to dance, he laughed easily and vibrantly, he would say hi to people (though a little reservedly at times) and even blow kisses.

Then a slow change started taking place. So subtle that we hardly noticed it, we wrote it off as the "terrible twos" though I had a tiny seed of fear in my heart that it was worse than that. I ignored my fears and kept taking each day at a time, but a dark wind seemed to be blowi

ng over Asher's heart. He was starting to not be sweet as often, he started growling at us in anger, hitting violently with the least bit of irritation. The fear crept back, I got advice, everyone just said to be consistent and he would get over this "stage." Six months later, and he still didn't.

At about 2 and a half he started having a real interest in what music he listened to, preferring one kind to another, expressing this love of dark music. Anything metal or "scream-o", Rob Zombie and Powerman 5000 type stuff. We thought we had a "cool" kid. He watched a few music videos of this nature with Dad, we thought it was cute that his opinion was so strong. He was"musical," we thought, and still do...

...however, day after day of violence with our dog, with Shiloh, with his toys, throwing things, he finally did something so crazy. Corey put him to bed on everning and Ash was ANGRY. He kicked the walls, screamed, slammed his door over and over; when Corey tried to calm him he kicked and punched him and told him to "never ever come in my room again!" Corey cried, my heart sank. Something was wrong. Not to say that he was like this all the time, but he was just different. He gave people dirty looks when they complimented him, but there was still a sweetness in him that came out from time to time, but usually only toward me, much to the dismay of everyone around him.

Then on October 30th we happened to go to a dress up party and sat with a couple who we don't know super well, but whom we regard exceptionally highly for their faithful living and zeal for the Lord. They told us how their sweet daughter became dark that way, and upon seeking advice learned of this idea that children are so much more open to the dark forces in this world than we are as adults. That they have no filter, no buffer, what they experience is reality and it becomes them. Their daughter had watched a children's video, but the premise was around sorcery and dark spells to make characters do bad things. It affected her, and when they learned of this openness in their child to, what we believe, to be the devil's schemes, they immediately went home, broke the movie in her presence

and prayed over her. And she was changed.

When I heard them say this I felt my face go pale. Corey knew at that moment exactly what was happening. Ash had been asking for weeks to listen to the "scary music" in the car, a Rob Zombie CD with skulls and demonic images on the disc. It somehow had a hold on his heart. I was scared, honestly I didn't know what to make of it, but with a pit of truth hanging inside told me that there was action we must take...and quickly.

So we went home, explaining to Ash on the way that we were going to break the "scary music" together, that we felt we needed to break the hold the "bad spirits" had on his heart, that we wanted him to be open to letting God's "good spirit" prevail in him again, that we w

anted him to be innocent again. He said ok, no big deal. We broke it together, he didn't cry. Then we started to pray over him. He LOST it. Screaming kicking, telling me he didn't want the good spirit in, he wanted to be mean. 20 minutes and we stopped, put him to bed. Frazzled. Then he started crying for me again, he asked me to help him get the good spirit back in. I prayed over him again, asking for the goodness of his childhood, of the spirit of the Lord to overpower the darkness in him, even using phrases I'd NEVER expect myself to say, like "I command you in Jesus name." The words gushed out of me, like it wasn't me at all. 10 minutes later, he rolled over, gently touched my cheek and said, "I let it in Mommy, I let God's happy spirit come in. I won't be bad anymore." And he went to sleep.

I didn't know what to make of all of it. I hoped for the best but was doubtful and fully FREAKED OUT by the whole experience. The next morning, a DIFFERENT PERSON woke up. He was smiling, he hugged us both, asked if he could come "give Shi Shi wake up kisses." And in the days since, he is changed. I don't know how to explain it, but there is a brightness in his eyes again, a sweetness that seemed hard to find the past 6 months. He's still had hard times as 3 year old do, still had fits, but his heart is soft, tender, willing to listen to correction, affected by our words and truths.

Make what you will of this, I'm frightened of what you might think of us, but I know that I have MY Asher back. And I will give glory to only one name because of it.

how much more?

2010-10-31T14:03:00.000-07:00

I never realized how much more I could love my children until moments like these are captured. Seeing them love each other, share special things, giggle uncontrollably at and with one another. Pure joy my friends, and a love abounding more and more. It makes me wonder and revel in the kind of joy our Creator must have in seeing us do the very same things.

who do you love?

2010-10-24T05:15:00.001-07:00

I think Asher's answer to that question is clear :)

For some reason I just love this picture. I think because in personifies Asher in a way that he is often not seen to those outside of our home. Asher is loud and high strung and a little high anxiety and that can skew an outsider's opinion of him. He is rough, he sometimes hits, he plays HARD, but he also loves deeply. He talks "baby talk" to Shiloh and tells her she's "so pretty", he twirls my hair when I hold him, pulls back and looks deep into my eyes and says "Mommy" in the sweetest, most gentle little voice. And here he is, snuggling this little girl that I love too. I asked him recently if we were to have another baby if he would want a brother or a sister. His response: "A brother, cause I already have Eva AND Shiloh."

which way to the cookie jar?

2010-10-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

This girl hits the ground running! This was how well she acclimated to walking on day 1, about a week ago. Now she pretty much high steps it all over the house. She is such a joy (and you can tell she's pretty proud of herself with that great big grin).

do you do the dough?

2010-10-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

Playdough that is! Last week Asher and I had an adventure in homemade playdough creations. We enjoyed a little one on one time while Shiloh napped, my heart soared when Ash gave me a spontaneous bear hug and said, "Mom, I'm having so much fun with you!" What a special memory this is.

First you combine the ingredients in a large pot.

2cups flour
2cups warm water
1cup salt
2Tbsp oil
1Tbsp cream of tartar

Then you stir it over low heat until it's good and clumpy and pulls away from the sides of the pot.

Then you knead it until it looks smooth and creamy.

Next, divide, add your colors and knead some more.
Watch out for stained clothes and colorful fingers after this step!

And presto! Your very own super smooth, odorless, tons of fun playdough!

You can even make a hotdog, if wanna :)

I highly recommend this for a rainy day activity, but beware! Make sure you have enough red food coloring, or your red dough will end up kind of a vomity color!

how do we roll?

2010-09-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

We like to start the day with a little mood music...

...then we take the ol' Caddy for a cruise...

...and if she's sweet, we even let the girl take 'er for a spin.

have you seen anything sweeter...?

2010-09-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

...than a girl snuggled up in her Daddy's arms?

...than the satisfaction of first time achievements?

...than finding joy in healthful living?

...than summertime memories that don't cost a dime?

...than a deeper love than you yourself have ever known?

...what do you think?

will I remember?

2010-09-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

Skivvy Sprinkler Splashing

There are so many things about life and my children and the day ins day outs that I want to remember. I want a tiny compact vault I can open that will spill forth all the special moments that I forget to write down, don't grab my camera for, glaze over because I'm too busy fretting about the dishes or making dinner. I'm going to try to write a few things here that are fresh and written deep in my heart, because I know they will fade and possibly not be there some day.

First, Shiloh's smile. Her joy radiates from her eyes and you feel like her whole heart is bare and open on the crescent of each cheek. She is in the habit right now of scrunching up her face until her eyes are tiny slits, her mouth wide and thin, snorting a silly, breathy little in and out of happiness. She is standing on her own and walking well when assisted. She is 10.5 months, in love with her daddy and brother, attracted to cars and balls more than dolls and bows and fiercely attached to Momma when anyone tries to nab her away. Her fast paced zeal for living convinced her that nursing took too much time, sadly she refused to continue a week ago and now drinks organic formula from a red sippy cup. I didn't want that, but I tried everything I could to make it different. I hope that some of you out there don't judge me a poor momma for it. She signs "milk" and "all done" fluently. She loves strawberries, bread of any kind, cheese...and to DANCE.

Asher is an enigma right now. He is all in one a spitfire with a comeback for every request, a "why?" in response to every statement or command, a heavy hand when anyone claims his toy (including baby sister) yet all the while a boy with a tenderness and fondness for small things is emerging. On Sunday he spent ten minutes gently stroking the face of an angelic 6 month old baby, telling her she was sweet and pretty, even giving her a little kiss on the hand. All the while his friends were just feet away playing swords and kicking balls. This morning he guarded a lady bug as she walked across a sidewalk, determined to be sure no one stepped on her as she traveled. What I want to remember most is how he looks at me when he wakes up in the morning. He stumbles out of bed to find me reading and drinking coffee in the kitchen, his eyes mostly closed, his voice groggy. He climbs into my lap, wraps his arms around my neck and says, "Good morning, Mom." Ten or more kisses shower my cheeks and nose. He wants me to make him a glass of milk and "snuggle him" on the sofa while we watch Curious George. I don't like him watching TV first thing in the morning, but I don't resist it because I love that sweet, gentle, uninterrupted 30 minutes of cuddles.

Evidence of morning snuggles

Ash is almost 3. He is petite for his age at 37" and 27lbs. He runs fast, jumps from all heights of box, sofa, stair or table. He loves to play "pirate ship" with his daddy on our guest bed and to be the "race car driver" with Shiloh in her crib. She loves to bounce with him there. He told a little boy who was being to mean to Shiloh because of her hemangioma that "God made her beautiful that way." He hits Frankie went he frustrates him yet loves to feed him and give him treats and scratch his tummy.

We are a family, us 4 and our loyal though neglected little pound puppy. And being a family is genuine and whole and good.

can you play with me?

2010-08-25T06:33:00.000-07:00

This is Asher's new favorite question, and lately it has been all about the sprinkler. Here, some shots from a sprinkler session at Grandma & Grandpa Sarff's house.

As you can see, Dad got roped into this one! Usually you'll find Ash, Shi and I in our backyard, them in their skivies and me getting my shins wet thanks to our low water pressure!

will I be?

2010-08-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have a daughter.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, knowing that I have this emotionally fragile little soul dependent upon me, that she will seek me out. That she will expect me to have answers to make life a little easier, a little better and that depending on my mood at the time, I could rock her world in a dark way or a deep, meaningful one.

Will I be open, vulnerable, strong and sincere enough for her to be my best friend?
Will I know how to be good enough?

I love every tiny piece of her. I want her to always know that.
To find rest in it.

so you think YOU can dance?

2010-08-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

Check HER out.

For the life of me I can't get her best move on camera...but wait!
I WILL catch it!

how many years again?

2010-07-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

I love life here in Peoria. I don't doubt that there are divine reasons why we are here, lessons we could only grow from in this place, but I'm longing for "home". Despite the ever growing sea of great friendships we've been blessed with here, even in light of having Grandma and Grandpa Sarff minutes away, I don't think Peoria will ever truly feel like home for me. It's a bittersweet dance of loving the life we have right here, right now and longing to see Granny teach all of our little angels to reach for the things they want in life.

Going back to Texas in March was hard; seeing friends and family and watching as the bond between Asher and his Granny and Pop Pop grew stronger made it ever so hard to get back on that plane. But something about this last trip, having Corey there with us, meeting our new baby cousin...it all brought me to this point of near depression.

Maddox at 5 weeks

I don't know what the plans are for our little family, it could happen that God never brings us back to Austin or even Texas for that matter, and if that were the case I could come to grips with it. But OH, how my heart aches to have weekly family dinners, to watch Asher and Shiloh running barefoot together in the grass with their cousins and Aunts and Uncles, to have the support that only family can provide.

And I want to be a part of that support. I want to baby sit my nieces and nephews so regular date nights can happen, I want to be there at 2am when baby Gibson needs some one but mommy and daddy are just so exhausted, I want to plans meals around everyone's schedules and leave surprise treats on doorsteps. I want Asher and Shiloh to know what it means to be loved so unconditionally by so many.

Then again, the truth of the matter is that whether we are here or there or anywhere in between, there is a beautiful thing that happens. When you open your life to others, when your love for the unknown is real and lived, your family can be anywhere. We feel it here. I know that no matter where life takes us, our needs will be met, we will have more than enough. Abundant blessings, abundant love.

Though I will always yearn for the relationships bonded by blood, there is another man's blood that calls us closer to families here than I ever expected and for that I am grateful. Beyond measure. Asher's "best friends" here come from families who loved us before they ever really knew us, and love us more now that they've seen our dirt and grime and true selves. I love that.

There is only one place that is possible, and it exists no matter where we land.
And that is a truly wonderful thing.

a Mom can daydream, right?

2010-07-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this!

(http://www.thevintagepearl.com/products/eclecticnecklace_p29)

are we gonna be on da BLUE plane?!

2010-07-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

Excited to ride on a BIG plane again

Why buy a ticket when he could fit as a carry on!

The flight to TX was actually pretty fun, considering the two little bundles of chaos in tow. No major fits, melt downs or blow outs. It was actually one of those rare situations where you walk away feeling like all the efforts of parenting well are beginning to bear fruit. Much more about our travels and visits soon!

am I a STRONG man?

2010-07-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

You betcha!

Just a few pics of my big helper in our new flower bed. Asher loves helping these days and seems to beam every time I give him a *job*. Whether it be leveling out soil, putting away his socks and undies or sorting silverware from the dishwasher, this little man loves to serve his mommy. It's a special time, and I am loving it beyond measure. He is such a treasure.

where do you find joy?

2010-06-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

For me, it's been in these little things:

being able to pull my hair back into a low, wet ponytail for the summer

showing love in unexpected ways

giving grace to my son

and my husband

after "bed time" coffee trips with new friends

swimming

loving my body, no matter what

counting down til TX

garden greens and Farmers' Markets

watching Asher eat cherries and not caring whether it stains his shirt

mowing the lawn

kissing

writing at random

all of you!

please mom, can I have a paw-sissle?

2010-06-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

Summer is finding me frivolous in allowances of sugary treats and great adventures. More than once upon a drive past our house you might have seen us sitting on the front porch, scant of clothing drinking in delicious, pure-sugar in frozen form. I can make the healthy alternatives, I know, but the summer memory of that melty treat dripping from our fingertips is too much to resist.

And then the firsts. Our first swim of the summer brought joy and delight to us all. A gift that it involved our favorite little friends, whose boisterous love of floaties and big splashes gave Ash a gust of bravado that a solo trip would have otherwise not lent. I captured him here in the pool without me, sitting atop a lounge float, being so big.

Shiloh, fearless and fun-loving. She took to the water with uncommon enthusiasm, kicking and pumping and splashing. Her luscious rolls of baby leg pedaling furiously; diving mouth open, face-first into the shallow pools of water inside her little buoy, surfacing drenched face and smiling with wet, matted lashes. She will be our wild child, the one we struggle to control, feign to limit too tightly for fear of stifling her potential.

And mom remembered to sunscreen everyone, except herself.

Can it be this good?

2010-06-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in over almost a month. Normally this is due to the urgency of chaos and getting very few of my responsibilities done, but not this time. This time I have been away because I've been living a life I love. Turning off the computer and TV more to enjoy Asher in his silliness, to walk along beside him and learn who he really is. Keeping the screen dim so that our family can go on more walks to the ice cream shop, so we can have more play dates with friends we love. The house has gotten a little grimy, the piles of laundry are preposterous, most of our corners are laden with piles, but I'm loving this summer life of games and walks and snuggles. I want to savor my children as they are right now and not dwell on Asher's argumentative tendencies or Shiloh's stubbornness. I just want to kiss their necks and capture their joy and bottle it in the well of my mother's heart.

We've been traveling and have more yet to do. We visited with my cousin Julie and her husband during their visit to Bloomington. It had ONLY been 5 years since we'd seen one another and CRAZY that she had never met my children. It was a wonderful, albeit far too short, visit.

My enamored heart swelled in capturing Corey and Asher's joy at the Children's Museum together. He's such a wonderful father, I can't imagine a better husband or better daddy for me and my family. He is my best friend, my partner, my forever.

It really is THIS good.

my little girl

2010-05-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Shiloh's Scream of Joy

So my little baby girl is already 6 months old. Really closer to 7 and I just can't believe how time has flown by. She is a darling, smiling at any one who will glance her way. Her sweetness is something I think I had always hoped for but never really put into words or prayer, proof that He knows the desires of my heart even better than I do.

We are learning sign language together, Asher has brushed up on the signs he knew as a baby and is helping to teach Shiloh "milk", "more" and "eat" right now. She seems to understand them, though lacks the hand-eye coordination to do them herself. "More" has happened a couple of times, but we're still not sure if it's on purpose!

Her abilities seem to multiply every day, she is babbling like crazy, saying what sounds like "Dada" and "Bubba" (what she'll be calling Ash) but hasn't yet said them as a word themselves. She is content to sit on a blanket by herself and play with toys for upwards of an hour, likes to gnaw on Baby MumMum snacks in her new high chair from IKEA and is just a few coordinated movements away from crawling. Shiloh's only downfall is sleeping. She is so wonderful during the day, takes two nice little naps, one during Ash's naptime which gives me a few moments to rest and read and reflect, but her night sleep is just terrible. She went 2 weeks sleeping 11 hours straight and now has reverted back to sleeping in 3 hour intervals. Mommy is tired!

There is something really special I'm finding in having a daughter, in watching Asher's tenderness toward her, seeing the spark in Corey's eye when he's holding her. I love how Asher wants to come with me to get her from her naps, how he alone can get her to giggle from the inside out, how she has started bouncing when a beat catches her fancy. She is a joy and blessing beyond measure, she makes me long for more.

To My Mom

2010-05-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

With Asher in 2008 and Shiloh in 2010.
We'll be sure to get a picture of us all together in July!!

Every year I am overwhelmed by the desire to make Mother's Day special for my mom, and yet to also some how honor her birthday as well in some memorable way. I think and think and wind up perplexed and frustrated at my lack of creativity, my inability to find something truly remarkable to do for the woman who gave me life, raised me and has always let me be me. So this year in lieu of a paper card (because I know that protecting our planet is important to her) and in deference to her constant remarks on not possibly needing anything I chose to say, here for all to see, all that having her as my mother means to me.

So mom, now that I am a mother there are so many things that are made clear that my juvenile selfishness made clouded. I see now how truly difficult it must have been to find the money to take me to Golden Coral for all of those special dinners, and I cherish those memories of sitting there with you, just the two of us. How you always let me get as much dessert as I wanted from the buffet, and I realize how you must have felt because I love watching my children truly enjoy something now too.

I am amazed, now, at the time you took for me when you could despite working long hours, making far too little for the hard work you did. I often find it hard to muster the energy to play Hungry Hungry Hippos with Asher though I do not work outside the home, but some how you worked full time, shopped for groceries, made me dinners and breakfasts, did the laundry (at a laundromat for so long too!), cleaned the house, kept a garden AND sat down to play Scrabble and Yahtzee and Clue and Legends of Zelda with me so often. Those recollections are priceless to me.

I will forever love biscuits and gravy, home made chicken noodle soup and Cornish game hens because of the specials times we spent over them. I have a peculiar fondness for PuPu Platters and Sesame Chicken because of you.

I can't recall ever really seeing you cry, but I know that my rebellion often hurt you, but you never judged. You allowed me to make mistakes with boys I liked, things I wanted to spend my money on, parties I went to, but were careful to not rub it in when I fell. You supported me as best you could in the things I loved. I have learned from you to never respond too harshly, no matter what my child comes to tell me, because it will keep them coming back with the truth over and over again. I used to tell you I felt like you were a sister I could tell anything to, and I still do.

In college I found a way that you did not agree with, a peace in a faith that seems distant and unrealistic to you, but you still came to campus ministry BBQs at our house, chose to honor and speak kindly to my religious friends, you let me find my way with out spite or recourse and you still do to this day and that means more to me than I can say. Who I believe in has made me so much of the woman I am, but I wouldn't have had the confidence to step out into it were it not for the pride you instilled in me in being my own person, no matter what.

And then somehow I am where I am now, fulfilling the dream you used to joke about having for me, that I could be a doctor's wife, living comfortably, raising children of my own. I believe God saw the sincerity in your desires for me all along, and that the blessings I am living in are so much a part of the blessings He wanted to give you. The peace He wants you to have in knowing that I am so loved by my husband, so well cared and provided for, all the things you did for me in my youth multiplied in my adulthood.

I love you mom, so much. I wish we were closer, in proximity and emotional depth, but I am so happy that you are mine and I am yours and hope that you are encouraged by this. There is so much more I could say, but there is a crying baby with your name calling me, here's hoping she'll love me this way when she has her own.

Sincerely,
Your dear daughter Jennifer Anne

Garden Weekend

2010-05-02T18:12:00.000-07:00

Shiloh and Daddy sitting pretty beside our newly planted garden. Here's hoping for a bountiful harvest of okra, broccoli, brussell sprouts, cabbage, strawberries and lettuce this year! This is our first attempt at gardening, we'll be sure to keep you updated on how it turns out.

my boy

2010-04-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

There is something unique and deeply unquestioning about the love of a mother for a son. Some have come along to imply that there are sexual connotations to it, but that just seems ludicrous. I look at this little boy and my heart just fills, an abundant brimming of emotion that has only ever been topped by that first glimpse of Corey standing broad shouldered and tearful at the end of our wedding aisle. His hugs and kisses melt any impatience and frustration, his silly dances open the unabashed childlike joy in my soul that is so often stifled by being a "grown-up." I'm doing my best to cherish him, to cling to his wonders and excise my unending list of things to teach him next.

My Asher learns, he absorbs everything around him, good or bad. He has a fiery temper and gentle love. He can, in one moment, hug and kiss and cuddle his baby sister while pinching her cheeks so hard she cries. He likes to practice his running skills every night, to play air guitar while stomping his little right foot and shaking his hips. He can make a song out of one word sung in rapid succession at ever changing octaves and reminds me to pray for our friends when they are sick. He wants me to kiss his daddy, he finds security in groups hugs and kiss attacks and holding our hands together. I love him for who he is; I want to foster it, make it thrive, find out how he wants to change the world and help him go for it with irreverent fervor. I've already forgotten the tantrums and soiled underpants and picky eating. They pale in comparison to exactly who he is and exactly who I'm praying he'll be.

video fun

2010-04-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard we try, we just aren't as entertaining as big brother.

Our little singer!

time together

2010-04-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

Asher and bath time silliness.

This last month has been such a dream. Corey is on a study month so he is home by 4pm almost daily and is off every weekend, it's unbelievable! In addition to having him home and rested and eager to help with the children, Shiloh has decided to start sleeping better too. She still wakes once at night for a feeding, but I can handle that! To encourage better sleeping habits for everyone we have quite an interesting sleeping arrangement set up. We have moved Shiloh from our room to the crib which is in Asher's room which will eventually be where they both sleep. A small two bedroom house doesn't lend for many other options! However, we didn't want her plight toward learning to sleep soundly in her new bed to disrupt Asher's sleep, so we made him a little palette on a padded window seat in our room. It is roughly the size of a toddler bed, so he fits just fine, but it's kind of funny having a bed in miniature in our own bedroom window! I think a few more days of this will get us prepared to made the big switch of having both kiddos in the same room. I'll just have to rush in when Shi wakes to eat, but with a sound machine in the room and Ash's ability to sleep through Hiroshima should lend toward a working situation AND Mommy and Daddy getting their bed room back! Wish us luck!

Home made black bean burgers on a home made bun with sweet potato fries.

For the last month we have also decided to switch to vegetarian eating, a change we have made before but chose not to stick to. Our grogginess and general bowel difficulties in addition to a friend lowering his weight and cholesterol dramatically all combined to make us realize a dietary transformation was in order. Not only are we feeling better on all levels, but for whatever reason Asher has begun to eat much better as well, a bonus we most certainly did not expect. We still eat eggs on occasion and cheese pretty frequently but have thus not missed meat at all. I'm hoping we can continue this trend more and more and keep finding new and interesting dishes to try!

All this to say, we are enjoying life quite a bit right now, cheers of contentment all around!

out!

2010-04-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

walking...swinging...this girl is always smiling!

Daddy making Ash fly

Riding a bouncy dolphin. Frank even tagged along.

The final reward...pistachio white chocolate icecream in a sprinkle cone :)

The weather has been absolutely terrific here so on a random Friday afternoon we decided to take a walk once Corey got home. Our house is exactly one mile from a classy little street called Prospect that is dotted by a locally owned coffee shop, an eclectic used book store, an ice cream parlor all the way from the North East and several hip little restaurants. Friday was Asher's first full day of wearing underwear successfully, even telling us when he needed to go, so we thought a walk to a park along the way and a fancy Prospect St. ice cream cone were in order! Total we spent 2 hours walking and playing cone devouring. A good day with promise of many more to come!

Spring!

2010-04-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

Pre-Hunt Swing-o-Rama with Dad

Quite the eager egg grabber as compared to last year!

Spring began with a simple yet enjoyable day at the park for an Easter Egg Hunt with some other Peoria area moms. When we first moved to town I joined a group called "Peoria Moms on the Move" that helped connect us with other moms who have similar aged children and also provides fun activities in abundance. The above pictures are from one such outing sponsored solely by moms for moms. I've found that there is a beautiful comradery amongst mothers of small children, a bond that seems to outweigh apparent differences and that overcomes what once may have been past judgments. I'm so grateful to have found that here.

funny things

2010-03-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

A few things from Ash that made me laugh out loud or giggle or melt.

++After reading a book about a caterpillar that talks to God (Hermie ), Asher asks, "Mom, where IS God?" I told him he was everywhere, all around us, even in the very room we were in, to which he says, "Oh, hey God. I'm Asher."

++"I took Percy to go poop in the potty. Now I get an M&M."

++Sitting on the edge of his bed together before nap time he stands on the bed, wraps his little arms around my neck in a big cuddly squeeze and says "You're the best mommy EVER."

++"Shi-whoa's crying mom, I gonna fix her." Then, proceeds to dance in a circle saying to Shi, "Look, I running around! Don't cry, I here!" She giggles from the gut for a full 3 minutes.

++"I gonna eat chock-it for breakfast, Asher wants to. It good for my body."

travels

2010-03-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lengthy hiatus. The children and I have been adventuring about the country, attending weddings, seeing sights, loving life!

At the Austin Zoo with Pop Pop and Granny

Shiloh, meeting Grandma for the first time.

Nothing like homemade frosting beaters with Pop Pop

Aunt Em getting in a little practice before Baby Maddox arrives

Asher and Shiloh were a DREAM for both flights, I really couldn't have asked for anything to have gone more smoothly. I had these night tremors about dragging Asher, frantic and screaming, through multiple airports with Shiloh wailing at my hip. Nightmares of them both keep the entire contents of the airplane on edge. It wasn't like that, hallelujah! Instead Asher sat quietly in the stroller, walking through the security checkpoint with ease (though one time he hopped, stating 'Hi, I a little frog" to the guard), waiting patiently while snacking on peanut M&Ms for the flight then gloriously napping for an hour of a 2 hours flight. It was a proud mommy moment to be sure.

Asher is such a joy, especially as of late. He is learning when to appropriately use manners, how to call adults Mr. and Mrs., and thanks to Uncle Kevin's superb example, has been using sir and ma'am on occasion as well. He forms full thoughts and sentences, I don't feel like I'm traveling to the store with a drooling, screaming ball of fuss anymore; he's my little buddy and we talk and laugh and make jokes. He helps me pick out good tomatoes and unloads the groceries from the basket to the belt at the store, he makes Shiloh giggle when she's on the verge of falling apart. He is growing into this amazing little person, I just can't believe I get to have a part in that.

Shiloh is a blessing beyond measure, she makes having two children seem scarcely different than just one. She has always been pretty easy going, but a little temper is starting to emerge and a defiance in regard to being left alone for any (however brief) length of time. The girl goes from cooing to full out, red-faced, tear producing wail the moment I turn my back. Oh, and she is a really horrific sleeper at night, though last night we had a glorious 5 hour stretch of sleep that some how produced in me more grogginess than night of frequent waking. But I don't even think of these things, because we she smiles my heart just melts and she gifts her joy so freely. I'm in love with her healthy thighs and rubber band wrists, the way she pats my chest and strokes my chin when nursing, her love of all vegetables in puree form. She is tall and lean at 27" and 14.5lbs, her features are small and delicate, her infatuation with her brother, fierce. She can roll over onto her back from her tummy (a practice she enjoys when sleeps escapes her, wailing in tow) but hasn't yet mastered the reverse. She prefers her tummy to her back for all things, her hemangioma is fading. She is 5 months old and I can't imagine our family with out her.

I'm learning so much right now, mostly introspective, mostly about the little lies I've let nestle in my heart like cavities in my marriage. God is showing me how being last really IS being first, how doing what you do merely to bring joy to some one else will never turn up empty. I have married an incredible man and I will stay married to him until our days end. We are learning to "get" one another more and more, I am stretching the boundaries of my heart and finding they are much more vast than I could have hoped. I am excited for the example our children will grow up seeing, I am excited to be intrinsically woven into the expectations they will have for the one they will choose someday. It's a great responsibility, but with His help, we will carry it well.

More pics and more on our trip soon :)

lots of smiles

2010-03-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

Havana and Grandma and Grandpa Sarff were the main reason we put Peoria on the top of our list for residency. We could have gone to Chicago or NY or Pennsylvania, but having them in driving distance has meant the world to us, especially to me. I never got the chance to know my grandparents, they all passed before I was really old enough to remember them, so this opportunity to be "adopted" by them gives me something I couldn't create for myself, something deep and familiar. I do feel so loved by them, as if I had been their own blood, been around as long as Corey and his siblings, but to see them love my children, to have these photos, to capture these memories for Shiloh and Asher as they grow older, it makes my heart swell. I am so blessed.

If you couldn't tell from the above pictures, Asher and Shiloh are pretty smitten for Grandma and Grandpa too. Asher is especially keen on Grandpa, and who wouldn't be, he's such a sweet, silly guy. He usually runs into their house as soon as we get there looking for him, always wanting to show him how good he is at throwing a ball or some such feat of athleticism. Shiloh loves Grandma snuggles and is always full of smiles when either of them are around. We're looking forward to celebrating a milestone birthday with them this coming weekend (yes Grandma, we'll be there!) and will be sure to post pictures of the festivities.

a report

2010-03-05T14:37:00.000-08:00

"Oh my!"

Well I am just in love with our life. The only downward turn is that the friends we've made here are here and our friends in Texas are there with our family. We want our Illi friends to be in Texas with our family that we miss so much. It's a wicked catch-22. As this year has progressed we've realized all the more the great joys and benefits of having grandparents nearby and are ever saddened that we are missing the beauty of watching them love and support our family. Though they do it well from far away ;)

Our big boy, eating his morning granola and blueberries.

We recently made a trip to see a new pediatrician in town, our previous ones had some insurmountable failings that we just couldn't overlook. This new Dr . came highly recommended by Corey's peers and I understand why. Though he is young he is well experienced in all things medical, especially concerning children (considering he has 6 children all under the age of 8!) and has a wonderful disposition that is both positive and infectious. He was a joy to watch with Shiloh and even got a tiny smirk from her seriously over protective brother. She is thriving and doing well, 14lbs and 26inches, which is quite tall for her mere 4 months. She has already out grown her 3-6 month size sleepers! We are loving watching her grow and seeing how similar she and Asher are. Her laugh is familiar and her smiles so frequent, they come much more readily than I remember Asher's and she is a good deal more codependent at this age than he. I can scarcely turn my back before she bursts into a very convincing wail. She can roll over from front to back, laugh and is quite ticklish; she loves to hear daddy's voice. Her easy going manner makes it a joy to take her shopping and errand running though she is not the best at night sleeping, I often end up just pulling her into bed for nursing as she sleeps much longer this way, though I'm sure I'll kick myself for starting a bad habit later. Though I so enjoy waking up with her sleep little cherub face next to mine. I think it's worth it.

Asher cracks us up constantly. His newest phrase is used when we are about to cut him off from something, like TV or playing. He'll look at us very seriously and say, "Just five more minutes Mom, ok?" He's becoming quite the little sass-bot! And even though he does these things he is also learning respect for elders, manners, his newest lesson being on the topic of chivalry, as many wonderful men from church have provided ample examples when I arrive alone with both kids in tow when Corey is working. Just today a man opened the door for us at the gym and he looked at him and said "Thanks for da chivry." Which of course the man did not understand in the slightest, but Mom knew, and that's all that matters :)

Gorgeous at 2 years and 4 months

photos!

2010-02-27T19:10:00.001-08:00

Asher's eyes have really started looking green lately.
I think one of my favorite parts of him have to be his sweet little feet!

Doesn't she just make you want to smile!
My sweet, happy Shiloh at 4 months old!
Already!

I have been feeling MAJOR guilt about not having a camera. I want to document Shiloh's first precious months well, though I know she won't have nearly as many moments captured as Asher. Losing our camera just made me sad that special memories were lost and that some would never even get the chance to be captured. We decided that if we were going to have to buy another camera we would save our pennies and buy a good one, that would last and take good quality photos, expecting to fork over close to $500 when it was all said and done.

Nope, God came through. Again. The sweet friend that has take family photos of us before had an older camera she had hoped to sell at a crazy low price, it's a very nice camera and cost us a tiny fraction of what we had expected! So, above are my first photos. I'm still learning what all the fancy buttons mean, Aly is set to give me a little tutorial next week.

So...get ready for lots of awesome pictures from now on!

silly phrases

2010-02-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

I just hate to be "that" mom that tells you all the funny things her kids says but...
these latest tidbits from the mouth of Asher are too hilarious to keep to myself:

"You're not a grownup Mom, you're Jen."

"Shiloh is a baby. I won't punch her."

"It's loud when I poop."

"Dad doesn't want you to spank me right now." (Said while Dad was at work.)

Mom: "Ash, it's time for dinner."
Asher: "Ok Mom, I'll have cookies for dinner. That sounds like a great idea, right?"

Pretty much anytime I tell him I won't buy him something: "Ok Mom, Granny and Pop Pop will get it."

This boy know how to use his words to charm and coerce AND to make us laugh until our stomachs ache! He is such a delight and joy.

tell it to Dad

2010-02-14T13:22:00.000-08:00

Some little girl LOVES her daddy.

I didn't grow up with a father, my mom did such a good job making sure I never realized I was missing anything, but I didn't have one nonetheless. I think that is what I love most about having a daughter; knowing that I get to watch her grow up having something I never could. That she will have a daddy to take her on dates, to show her what it means to respect herself, and to make her feel so loved it's as if she's on the top of the world. So Happy Valentine's Day Corey Daniels, you're making all my hopes and dreams come true...just by being you.

sweetness and a date night!

2010-02-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

Shiloh is the absolute sweetest baby I could possibly ask for! We went to a Pediatric plastic surgeon this week to have her hemangioma looked at. The doc was not alarmed at all, he said that the kind she has will likely not change much between now and a year, and at 12 months we should start seeing it change and lessen. We have to keep a close eye on it to watch for changes, if the borders start to look purple then we'll have to start her on steroids to make sure that it doesn't "pop" out since it is so close to her eye. She doesn't seem to mind it and neither do we, she is just perfect and beautiful.

A wonderful couple here who , oddly enough has a 4 year old son named Asher, offered to watch both of our children for us last week so that Corey and I could have some much needed alone time. We went to see Avatar in 3D(thus the above pic in weird movie theater lighting) and ate at a less than notable mexican restaurant in town. Oh how we miss the wonderful Tex-Mex of the South. We're missing Texas more and more as we settle into our life here...

buzz

2010-02-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

Our big boy had his first "real" haircut (meaning aside from us buzzing his hair to oblivion), by our friend Cassi. He did incredibly well, especially considering his fear of mechanical noises! Shes does such a great job with the little ones (and big ones) and has become a dear friend of ours here in the lonely plains of Peoria.

Checking himself out in the mirror. "I handsome."

"Mom, I all done."

The finished product a few days later a local ice cream shop.
She cut it so it faux-hawks really well too!

i lost it

2010-01-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

(My sweet, gentle girl)

Our camera, that is. I was holding out on admitting it in hopes that perhaps it would miraculously turn up somewhere, but alas it mostly likely met its demise in our Christmas trash. Hopefully we'll come up with the cash for another one soon or Shiloh will be left with no pictures of her as a babe! Thus, I have not posted in quite some time because I know that posts with pictures are so much more fun and entertaining! I have also been working on many other little projects including one that was supposed to be finished in time to be a gift for the grandparents, and has yet to be brought to completion thanks to my slow learning of computer programs and my natural affinity for doing 9 projects at once so that none of them ever get done. For instance, currently I am writing this post, reheating leftovers for my lunch, cooking green beans for our dinner tonight, folding laundry, washing cloth diapers and softening butter for some banana bread I plan to make later. Which makes sense in light of the newest topic of my varied interests; temperaments. I started researching it to learn more about how to relate to Asher and have realized he and I are the same dominant type! I am Sanguine: Phlegmatic, he's Sanguine:Choleric. Look it up, it's great fun to see how true century old stereotypes remain!

I've also been spending a LOT of time researching homeschooling. I know Asher is only two, but this is a huge decision and I want to make it confidently. Far more kids are homeschooled than I realized, nearly 4 million in America as a matter of fact! There is even a association of homeschoolers here in Peoria! When realizing the downfalls of my inconsistency, I have come to see all the more that I will be in need of very detailed and specific curriculum if I'm going to make this work. Both Asher and I are both too flighty for much flexibility!

Corey and I have both been realizing how lax we've been with Asher lately, and that his behavior is starting to speak for it, so I've created more structure, clear borders and boundaries for our day that I have started implementing this week. Our days, in general, go something like this:

730a - Ash wakes, I make breakfast, he gets to watch ONE cartoon (30 mins) on PBS

8-830a - Eat breakfast together and read a Bible story

830a-9a - I clean up kitchen, Ash helps load the dishwasher and does some self control sit time (sitting still and silent on a stool, right now only 5 minutes, but with a goal of 45 so that he can sit patiently through church, etch.)

9-930a- Room time, free play for Ash in his room with whatever he wants

930-10a - Puzzles, playdough, cards, etc. with Mommy

10-1030a - Snack

1030-11 - Devotional. Usually we "dance for Jesus" for 10 or so minutes then sit and read
together and talk about the moral of the story

11-1130 - Help mommy make lunch/entertain Shiloh (he really likes this, I think he feels special that I trust him to play with her, though I'm always in the room)

1130-12 - Lunch

12-1 - Stories, get ready for nap

1-3/330 - Nap time

330-4 - Snack

4-430 - One more 30min show

430-5 - Free play, usually he asks to play with his train table upstairs of with the sports stuff in the basement

And then usually Daddy comes home and they wrestle, etc or we do more of the above until Daddy gets home. This is REALLY flexible, basically I'm just trying not to let him run free all over the house all day as "a child left to himself, disgraces his mother." I just thought you might enjoy knowing what we're up to. Tuesday and Thursday mornings are spent at the gym, we meet my friend Heather and her boys play with Ash and Shiloh in the Tot Watch area. Wednesday mornings I have my woman's group at church, where, subsequently, Ash ALSO plays with Heather's boys. Peppered into our days are play dates and grocery shopping and meeting Daddy at the hospital. Hopefully reigning in Asher will help with some of the bossy behavior we've been faced with lately!

("I am cornholio!" Thanks, Dad.)

Ok, off to finish my projects while everyone is still asleep!!

deep

2010-01-04T11:22:00.000-08:00

You've no doubt heard the adage that "absence makes a heart grow fonder." I don't think this has ever been particularly true for me, being that I have a hard time really grasping my emotions, distance seems to sever something for me, like letting go I suppose. I recently realized that for, perhaps for you, it's not the absence that strengthens the bond, but proximity after a time of separation.

On the 27th of December, my 28th birthday, the sweet Roberts family came from tropical Texas to the frigid North of Peoria, IL to pay us a week long visit. As the days until their arrival decreased I found myself more and more eager to see Claire, but it wasn't until she was actually here that I realized just how deep the fondness runs for her in my heart. Seeing how well our families mesh, how our children play and imagine together (and yes, sometimes throw a few blows) was just confirmation that this is a relationship that will not fade. There is a connection between Russell and Corey, Claire and I and all of our children that is rare and beautiful. I am so blessed to call her my friend.

Here are a few photos of our children enjoying each other and the snowy climate!

Ash throwing snow at Claire while Preston trudges back up the hill.

The Roberts kids hit the hill.

The newest additions: Phin and Shiloh enjoying some tummy time.

Now I have many wonderful friends, don't get me wrong, several that I am connected with in very deep ways, but it wasn't until the holidays, the arrival and departure of first Liz, then Claire, that I realized that I'm actually in love with these girls, that I have a special depth of connection that I didn't know I would ever had. That's the miracle of God, how through my desire to be faithful to Him, He has shown Himself so faithful; meeting my needs and giving me what I never knew I needed or wanted. It is because of a handful of women, these two in particular, that I've learned to give of myself, to not hold back in friendships because you never know how long you'll have people close and you never know where something beautiful and engaging and needed might spring up.

Holiday Bliss

2010-01-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

The holiday season brought a glow and excitement to our humble little home with the arrival of Grandparents, Great Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles. It has been so wonderful to share our home with this array of loving and serving hearts. Despite the constant bustle of people in and out, this Christmas was so stress free, so full of joy and love, we couldn't have asked for anything better. Asher fell in love with his Uncle Kevin all over again while we all watched as he proved himself fully qualified for his soon-to-be title of Father. He woke up every morning asking "Where Unk Kevin?" usually followed by him walking through the whole house looking for him and calling out his name.

And of course there was the trip to see Santa. Asher was so excited, but stage fright took over at the moment of meeting and Mommy had to step in to get a decent picture! I didn't expect to be sitting on Santa's lap at 27! After our visit with Santa Uncle Kevin rode the miniature train with Asher and we all headed home for some warmth and memories. It's hard to believe this was Asher's 3rd Christmas and that in no time at all Shiloh will be every bit as fun and wonderful as he is AND that we'll have a sweet little cousin to add to the holiday festivities. We're counting the days until we see everyone again!

Asher opening gifts on Christmas. Daddy decided he needed a gun and as you will see, Asher had no idea what it was! But don't fret, he soon figured it out!

On Christmas Day we joined the festivities at Uncle Jeff's house here in Peoria along with Grandma and Grandpa Sarff. It was wonderful to be in such good company and to have such a stress free, low key holiday meal. Shiloh found her favorite Uncle too :)

Holiday

2009-12-15T07:30:00.001-08:00

Well here we are everyone, it's time for the Christmas letter. I have to admit, the fact that I am even writing a Christmas letter makes me feel like I'm losing my youth!!! It's amazing how we go from love-sick college students to parents with a mortgage in the blink of an eye. But oh, how we are loving life. These days with our sweet children are so very precious, ever moment seems to create a new and special memory.

SO, the skinny on life as a new family of four. I suppose we'll start with Asher, because I know he's a favorite with all of you blog readers out there! Ash just turned two on November 6, he talks like a forth grader and knows all of his letters and counts to 14. I don't know why 14, but that seems to be where he prefers to stop. He knows his full name and is learning to spell his first though he knows more than he likes to let on. Often I'll spend countless hours working with him on a skill, ending our lesson to feeling frustrated and failed at the end, only to later hear him in his room reciting the very thing I was trying to get from him just moments before! His favorite phrase lately is "Don't know, Mommy, don't know" when we ask him to share some of his breadth of knowledge with us or anyone else for that matter. Little stinker. Just the other day he was in his room mumbling something over and over, as I got closer to his door I could make out "Triceratops has 3 horns" clear as day! He picks up so much from the wonderful shows on PBS! He's also wearing big bog underpants these days, though the accidents are still plentiful. He just looks so stinkin' cute in his tiny boxer briefs, I could just eat him up! He can also often be heard saying of his sister, "Baby Shiloh cute mom, I love her." He has been so wonderful with her, we couldn't ask for a better big brother. However, all the wonderful aspects of Asher can't be said with out juxtaposing them with the horror of the two year old will. His tantrums are big and whiney and overwhelming, he knows EXACTLY what he wants and when. It has been challenging to say the least, but we're plugging through, knowing that it is temporary.

Shiloh is a wonderful, sweet little bundle of love. She had a rough start those first couple of weeks but has mellowed into a snugly, smiley beauty. She makes life easy on me, falling into a regular 3 hour eat-awake-sleep routine very easily, she's so predictable which is wonderful. She does love to be cuddled and held which is wonderful but also difficult with a wild 2 year old begging our attention! She loves to smile and coo at Mommy and Daddy and enjoys hanging out in her swing. At 8 weeks old, we really couldn't ask for a child to be more of a blessing.

Corey is happy to be nearing the end of his intern year. It has been draining and overwhelming and constantly fluctuating in it's stressfulness. The month of December is incredible, however. He is on a Sports Medicine rotation, working 8-4 most days and is currently on a week long vacation while family is in town visiting. He also has off the 24th and 25th for Christmas. Pretty cush! January and February will bring back the long 70+ hour work weeks and rare weekends off that we endured in September, but then we'll be that much closer to the true start of his career as a radiologist! He spends his down time with us, often taking Asher on little trips that Ash refers to as his "Guy time." We broke down and bought a TV after 3 years so that in his limited time to himself Corey could enjoy a little football (another thing Asher likes to participate in with Dad). He's doing an amazing job juggling a very full work week, a wife, two children, a new house (with a never ending list of things to improve), exercising and his all important time with other men trying to honor the Lord with their busy lives as well. I am so very proud of him, he works hard to be strong and faithful in every area of his life and he is doing it so well.

As for me, I am finding that I love staying indoors with my sweet children more and more. Once very busy socializing and shopping and encouraging others, I've slowed down a bit to ensure that I have the time necessary to support my busy husband and train our little ones in right living, obedience and joy. I've given up many of my previous hobbies, but have kept running and exercising for myself. It is my sacred alone time 3-4 times a week and for it I am so grateful! I have been blessed with many other amazing mothers here in Peoria in whom I can confide, knowing that they "get" this life. Sometimes I just can't be on the phone, or return an email, or go out and they understand and I understand them and we give one another a lot of grace. It's a wonderful thing. I'm looking forward to snowy, snugly winter with my family this year and lots of new memories.

daughter

2009-11-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time, finding myself with rarely a spare second between playing puzzles and blocks and playdough, feeding a thriving newborn, enjoying family snuggles and doing the mundane chores of daily life. Many would argue that right now I should be napping, what with a husband, a 2-year old and a 5-week old all slumbering, but I MISS writing. I wish I could do it so much more often, I have a constant whirlwind of topics and thoughts undulating, aching to be tapped through keys into life...it's just the follow through that never comes to me.

Today I want to write about Shiloh, about having a daughter, about having a daughter with a facial "defect," about the cruelty of our world, about decisions it has brought me to.

I didn't fall in love with Shiloh right away. I know that sounds terrible, lacking the maternal that you'd expect, but it's the truth and I struggled with it for several weeks. I looked at her and just felt drained and tired and couldn't find her as beautiful as I remembered Asher being to me. When he was born I fell instantly in love, I felt no other baby could possibly be as beautiful. I have finally realized where this came from, it festered out of fear.

Having a daughter means exposing a fragile heart to the standards and judgments of this world where fake beauty is presented as natural and natural beauty gets generated and altered. We can hardly tell what size anyone is anymore, what color their eyes are, and girls (myself included) feel immense pressure to be thin and to wear perfect jeans. I'm scared of having to help a girl rise above all that. And then, two weeks after her birth, Shiloh developed this capillary hemangioma right in the most prominent place, and my heart just sank. Racing with questions my mind turned to the worst, that it would get huge, disfigure her, impair her eyesight. I'd been so troubled by it, stressed even, so caught up in the maybes that I never even gave myself a chance to pray. Thanks to the amazing perspectives that Amy F. and Molly A. always lend, I stopped and talked to my Father. He opened my eyes to all of this, all of these fears, and I kid you not that when I got up from a posture of prayer and looked at my daughter I fell so in love. I fell hard. I look at her and see such a beautiful, sweet, lovely baby. I can imagine her smiling and laughing in the days to come, my heart sings in symphony when she looks at me.

Yet I still fear. I still have anxiety about her appearance. How will we combat the stares and questions, even if it doesn't get bigger? Many of you know that Corey is a huge proponent of home schooling, and I, as the one who would be doing the actual schooling, am hesitant and on the fence. Just recently, and again through prayer, I realized that I am being called to DO it, to let loose these fears of not being adequate. If not to give my children the best chance at success as possible (mind you success is different to me than you might expect, but that's a whole other post), but to give Shiloh every opportunity to find confidence in her appearance because she IS BEAUTIFUL, because she belongs to a God who has amazing plans to prosper her. I don't want the cruelty of other children to distract her from that, I want to send her out full of peace about who she is and I want to be there to help her see the power in that, to help her rise above the superficial and find her confidence in something deeper and within herself...a spirit only ONE can give.

So I am excited about raising a daughter, I'm all the more in love with Corey as I watch him interact with her, so proud to know that she will experience a kind of love I never had and that he will deliver it so excellently. As I sit in a silent house with only the hum of the refrigerator and the meek bumble of chili in the crock pot, I am thankful. Thankful to the one who gives, for He has given me so much. In every way I want to praise Him, in every way I want my life to cry out to others that He is good and for good. I am thankful for all that has become better as I'm learning to listen to Him and to erase the irrationalities of myself, my list would be so very long.

I love you all, I hope your eyes can be opened this Thanksgiving, that you can be reminded of all parts of your life for which you have reason to give thanks.

a short hello

2009-11-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

First off, just a couple of pics of Ash and Shi with Grandma and Grandpa...oh how we love their visits! Asher SURE loves his great grandpa!

And a sweet pic I caught of Shiloh snoozing.

This one has a "good" shot of her capillary hemangioma (and her super sweet borrowed boots). It is a benign tumor that happens most often in girls. It isn't harmful as is, though it has gotten quite large and is starting to present itself with a thick texture. I'll post more on how I'm feeling about this, but as of now it is purely cosmetic so no need to worry! Just wanted to let you all know what it was before I start posting more pictures! I'll write more soon!

Aly is the Best!

2009-11-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Maternity pics by our sweet new friend Aly.
We have the coolest friends EVER.

Three Weeks Old

2009-11-11T16:33:00.000-08:00

Wide-Eyed with Daddy

Bath time, loving a nice warm soak.

Shiloh is three weeks old and doing great. She's already 8lbs 8oz and has grown an inch! She's starting to make sweet little feminine sounds when she's happy. What a miracle she is, we are feeling abundantly blessed these days.

Somebody turns TWO

2009-11-11T16:03:00.000-08:00

November 6, 2009--Asher turned 2 years old!

Teddy Bear Pancakes from Childer's

Asher's special cake

Singing "Happy Birthday"

Opening gifts--so fun to watch him!

um...yeah.

Asher had the most wonderful birthday EVER! We were able to start off the day with special birthday pancakes at Childer's Eatery, Ash was pretty pumped about his birthday teddy bear pancakes. Later that evening we opened birthday gifts from family, Asher was SO spoiled! He got some wonderful gifts, but his favorite have to be a little tool set, equipped with real looking screw driver and hammer, and a little PlayDough duffel bag with scissors and cutters and such. Hurray for more activities!

Corey and I couldn't be more proud of our little man. He is so obedient, talks so well, knows when to use his manners and is always so excited when he can be a helper. He is such a joy, I can't believe it's already been two years since he was a tiny little peanut like Shi. I spent a little time with him the night of his birthday, reading him stories and singing to him as I put him to bed. He held on tight as we rocked in his dimly lit room. When I finished singing "Sanctuary" as he hummed along he lifted his sweet little cherub cheek from my chest and said, "Love you lot Mommy." It was amazing, a great ending to a great day.

Announcing

2009-11-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

Shiloh Christiane Daniels

Shiloh-Hebrew, meaning tranquil or "one who is sent"

Christiane (pronounced Kris:teen)-my mother's name, in hopes that she will be every bit as diligent, determined and strong as the woman from whom the name comes

New Arrival

2009-10-26T17:17:00.001-07:00

I know it has taken me a while to get this out, I've been exhausted, emotionally spent and physically drained. Shiloh's arrival took a toll on me in many ways, the joy of her adding to our family is finally upon us.

So first, let me share my labor story, because I know all you ladies out there love to hear them. (Kinda weird how we enjoy that, isn't it?)

I had A LOT of false labor with Shiloh, at least 5 separate evenings I stayed up for two hours with regular contractions every 5 minutes, only to find them fizzle out, so when I woke up at 6A on Monday to mild contractions, I just assumed that it would end up as nothing, and around 10A it did. Then it started back around noon and the discomfort actually increased, so I started taking it a little more seriously. By 2P when Corey woke up (he had worked all night) I had a jotted down a solid log of one minute contractions every 4-5 minutes apart. I decided to call my midwives to see if I should come to the office, and they suggested I head to the hospital to get a "strip" to check out what my contractions were actually up to, knowing that most likely I'd end up going back home for a little while. The reason they suggested this was because I never actually went into labor with Asher until I had already been admitted to the hospital, once my labor started there it only took 5 hours for his birth, so I was pretty uncertain about how much time I had.

So the monitor showed little progress and we headed home, labor slowed for a little bit with all the excitement, but once I laid down in bed to try to get some rest (around 10P) the contractions got noticeably stronger, I now had to start really relaxing to get over them. I stayed at home until 330A when things started speeding up, then headed back to OSF for the real deal! Now, this was all very exciting for me, since I wasn't able to experience it with Asher, but by this point the novelty had worn off, making it clear that it was a good time to head to the hospital!

Once there we were able to go straight to a room, only to be informed that none of my midwives were on call and that I would "have" to use one of the OBs from the practice. I panicked. I had never met them and didn't care to use them, I chose the midwives for a reason! Corey could tell I was stressed, the labor started to stall again, and he took action. He spoke with the nurses about calling the practice or the midwives, we were especially fond of one particular midwife (who had been the one to help us earlier in the day) and was able to get them to call her directly. She answered her cell phone despite the hour and we were told that when she heard it was us and that we were actually in full fledged labor she sounded really excited. She actually got out of bed, got dressed and drove the 20+ minutes from her house to get to us. She wasn't even supposed to work until noon the next day!

So, upon her arrival I was finally able to relax and she used her authority over our birth to get me off the monitor, off the "required" IV from the hospital and then walked with Corey and I around the L&D floor for a bit. Labor almost instantly started right back up. She scarcely left our side from that point on, only to get herself a cup of coffee after 2 hours of coaching and rubbing my back and simply going above and beyond anything I could have expected. When we went back to our room I was starting to feel pretty intense, Sherri (the midwife) asked what I wanted and suggested a birthing ball. She procured the hospital's only one and I felt immediate relief. I labored for almost 3 hours on that thing, resting my head and shoulders on some pillows she set up at the foot of the bed, the ablility to let my tummy kind of sag beneath me released most of the back labor I was feeling. And then the great deluge! I never felt my water break with Ash, so it was a really bizarre feeling! Little Shi was ready to get out of there at this point, contractions got crazy intense, I was quite the loud laborer at this point, most likely freaking out all of the blissfully medicated women on the floor. About 30 minutes later (this part was so exhausting I actually thought it was 2 hours, Corey corrected me!), I felt that amazing need to push. I say amazing because it is just incredible that our bodies know how to do this and how to let us know it is ready! I got help hoisting myself up on the bed, but a lip of cervix had kept me from fully dilating. Sherri jumped to action, quickly solving the issue, and Shiloh started making her way into the world! About 20 minutes and 4 pushes (not to mention some high decibel banshee screaming) later, she arrived. I was able to hold her right away, she squirmed her way down to nurse all by herself with in 30 minutes of her birth, I was able to hold her for nearly an hour before they got her all washed and bundled up. It was just amazing.

As I was laying in bed recovering, Corey was finally able to hold her. I looked over at him sitting by the window as the sun rose and just cried, seeing my incredible husband looking down at his beautiful little girl, knowing that she would have a man so worth looking up to. That he would teach her how to be loved by simply loving her the best he knows how. She is such a luckly girl. And so am I.

The stay in the hospital was a little hard. Around 830A they moved us to our postpartum room, Corey hadn't eaten since dinner the night before so he headed to the cafeteria for breakfast while Shiloh and I got settled. He got back around 9A, stayed with us for a bit, then had to head home to feed Franklin, let him out and get dressed for work. We were able to see him for another 10 minutes or so before he had to join the hospital ranks at 11, working until 930 that evening.

I got a little rest, then our friend Kristen, whose husband Joel is in the radiology program with Corey, was able to bring Ash by to meet his new little sister. He was pretty disinterested, the buttons on the wall and the bed caught his attention far more! Shortly after he left the hospital actally put a ban on children visitors due to all of the flu cases documented there, so I was so grateful to Kristen for making such an effort to get him there and watch her while we were away. This ban was the main reason the hospital stay was so emotionally tough for me. With Corey working and no one able to bring their children I ended up very lonely. I had only slept about an hour since 6A on Monday and it was now Tuesday evening, Shiloh was fussy, wanting to nurse nearly every hour, I was exhausted. At one point I just broke down and cried for a good ten minutes, I just felt so overwhelmed. I left the hospital the next evening when Corey got off work at 930A, it was good to be home. The next day was pretty good, Corey was there to entertain Ash, I was able to nap a tiny bit, but then Corey had to go BACK to work to make up the day he missed on Monday.

I was feeling really nervous about being alone with Asher and Shiloh on no sleep so I called a wonderful woman from our church. Pam and her husband Craig have welcomed us so lovingly. Craig is a cardiologist at OSF and has worked with Corey a tiny bit, Pam knows what it is like to be a mother and wife when daddy is away so much and at such varied times. She came an hour after Corey left for work, she entertained Asher, brought him a new puzzle, warmed up dinner for us, she just did so much. Later after Asher went to bed I was nursing Shiloh (still about ever hour!) when she complimented me on my mothering and I just lost it. I got all weepy and started crying about how overwhelmed I was and about how grateful I was she was there. I told her how I was just so exhausted, it was Friday and I still hadn't slept more than an hour at a time. So, she actually stayed until 11 that night and held Shiloh and kept her calm so I could get 2 hours of solid sleep! When she left Shiloh wanted to nurse more and I just started feeling beat down again, I was in tears when Corey got home. My milk still hadn't come in so Shiloh was wanting to nurse around the clock (I later found out my milk issue was probably due to a vaccine I absently mindedly allowed them to give me in the hospital). Corey, fresh off a long overnight shift, unselfishly offered to take care of her so I could get some rest. We "gave in" and fed her 2oz of formula and she slept several hours, allowing me to finally sleep as well. Late the next day, my milk came in and Shiloh has been wonderful ever since. She was just hungry! I'm happy to say that despite the milk issue, she has already gained over a pound from her weight upon being discharged from the hospital, a comforting piece of info considering all the work I did to nurse her around the clock!

There is so much more I could add here, but I need to get to bed. Please post questions if I left anything out you want to know!

remembering

2009-10-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

I had just one of those heart altering experiences this morning at church, I feel compelled to share but know that it will be long and very personal and perhaps painful for some of you to read. You know the funny thing about writing this here is that I started this blog to keep you all updated on our children, but at times I've really felt it is more of a space for me to keep myself updated on me!

So our pastor has engaged in this 4 part series called 'TABOO:Things You Don't Talk About in Church," and today's topic was inspired by the story of Tamar from 2 Samuel. To summarize it VERY briefly, Tamar was the victim of sexual abuse, by her own brother of all people. Yes, that IS in the Bible, and the story is really quite vivid in its details, Jim (our pastor) really broke the story down so that we could see all the parts, all the people involved for who they were and how they fit into this sad story. It's sad because we, as people, we really haven't changed. This goes on EVERY DAY, maybe not the exact scenario, but the abuse, the family turmoil, the lack of courage of the people involved to actually confront the issue, it's so very prevalent.

I know, because it happened to me.

It wasn't a relative or a close family friend, but a random neighbor. I'm not telling you this to get a pity party or make you revere anything about "how far I've come," but rather just to share with you the power I know exists in this crazy world because despite how messed up that situation once made me, despite the depravity of my thinking from that point on in my childhood, despite how it tumbled me down a twisted path of immorality, how it marred my very thoughts of myself-I have been healed. I don't like "churchy" terms, but one I know to be true in the deepest parts of me, is that of "power in the blood." I was making one wrong and painful and regretful decision after another until God met me, face to face, in 2001. I didn't know how to love myself, contemplated the ease of just ending it all rather than face my own actions and their consequences...I just didn't know how to make myself stop. It seemed that every male relationship I had ended up down the path of impurity, and I always knew that it started with the ugliness planted in my mind and my experiences as a kid. In so many ways, that man made me into something I was never destined for. That NO one is destined for. I knew this deep down, but didn't see a way to make who I'd become go away.

So I sought redemption on my own terms, tried to stop going to parties, stop drinking, stop being the "me" I'd been for so long and you know what...I was utterly bored. All I did was create a void, but it was a void God was waiting to fill. I hadn't realized until today just how full that hole is now, how not only did He bring me out of that darkness into a light I never knew to be true, but he replaced it with purity, and most amazingly, with compassion and forgiveness. Many of you may think that I'm imagining the help from God, that what really happened to change me was some deep power within myself, and that's okay. It's just, I tried to be different, wanted it with everything in me and never saw even a glimpse of hope, until I opened my heart to the possibility of something bigger than the power within myself. I harbored so much blame and bitterness toward so many people due to those horribly inappropriate experiences, and I stuffed it all down, just hardening it, pretending it never really affected me. Oh but it did, I hated and hated, mostly myself.

The conclusion that I came to today, while listening to this message that could have broken me down, could have caused me to relive the nightmare of it all, is that I have truly been redeemed. I sat there beside my husband, whose fidelity is uncompromisable, who loved me enough to wait nearly four years before he even kissed me, and realized that I am unscarred. My heart ACHES for the man (really men) who did these things to me, because I know that with each act he became more and more a shell of the person he was meant to be. I know that he will NEVER enjoy the life I do with out choosing to expose his evils, without breaking the cycles. It's an ugly and dark place to be and I would never wish the emptiness into some one's heart. It makes me wonder what painful things he must have endured alone to have brought me to a place where he would steal innocence from some one else, I know there must have been something truly awful in his life to have allowed him to so easily unmask my naivety and that of many others.

That time in my life stands even still as a marker, a turning point where it all went wrong, but also made the point where it all went right so much more clear. I walked out today totally dumbfounded, I have let that darkness slip off of me, it has no hold on me.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

progression

2009-10-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

30-36-38 weeks

Not long now til Little Shi will have her mug up here. Stay tuned!
(The angle of the camera makes it look like I've been shrinking as my belly expands. Thought that was funny ;)

9:24PM

2009-10-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's already past 9 o'clock. I should be getting ready for bed, relaxing, but I'm on this crazy computer again trying to stay connected. Why do we do this to ourselves? Make so many friends we need mass electronics to keep in touch over great distances? Instead of laying around reading as I should be doing in my large and not-so-in- charge 37.5 weeks preggo body, I'm sitting on a hard stool in the kitchen because I just feel like I need to express.

I'm at a time and a place in my life that I can't quite grasp because most everything seems to be too good to be true, I'm waiting for the ball to drop. The proverbial hammer must be close at hand right? Ready to smash my sweet little life because good times can only last so long...right? Why do I do this to myself, it's as if I have a constant weight of anticipation on my shoulders, telling me today might be the last "good" one. I can't even enjoy it because I'm sure the moment I'm comfortable in it will usher in certain doom. I've been under this since we moved to Peoria, well really longer but it seems big and glaring now in light of our many many blessings. I read a story this week from the life of David (the rock-slinging, giant-killing guy) that I could just relate to. I want to share it with you now.

Read THIS .

So the gist is, David felt that it was irreverent that he, a mere man (though king) should dwell in a beautiful palace while the ark (containing the very presence of God) should remain in a tent outside of the city. Makes sense to me, seems noble, but God is a little offended. This is the same God that anointed David over 20 years prior, brought him from the pasture to the palace, who had already delivered him from many enemies...and David think HE needs to build GOD a house.

But I DO this.

I think I have to make everything in my life just so, "perfect" enough for God to dwell in it. Pray enough, confess enough, read enough, have enough faith that God might choose to withhold the pit, keep me and my loved ones from imminent ugliness. And yet I also strangely feel a deep abiding sense of guilt that my life is tied up so pretty. The house, the car, the truly loving marriage, the 2 kids and a dog. I work hard to have these things, then feel remorse that they might seem fake or too good to be true to those looking in.
So I related.
Then this is the part that hit me.

David says in verse 18 "Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" That's me! That's what I say to God DAILY. He has taken me so far, I can scarcely remember the insecure, selfish and utterly confused girl I used to be. I can honestly call myself a woman now, I can say that God has, little by little, infused me with confidence, with sincerity, with a love for other people that was IMPOSSIBLE for the person I once was. I was nice on the outside but so eager for rage and vengeance on the inside. I can not believe who I am now. I'm a wife, a mother, a friend. I'm not afraid of being close to people any more, I'm not afraid of being "found out" because I am exactly who I seem to be. I don't hide my ugliness, I confess it, denounce it, turn it over to the only one who has been able to free me from it. Maybe all that sounds cliche to you, but I really don't care! It's a truth in my life I can't express enough. Who AM I that I should be called out of the downward spiral I was in, why me that gets the amazing husband, the healthy and vivacious and so smart little boy, the healthy pregnancy, the lack of heartache?

David goes on to say in vs 19, "Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord?" The thing I do wonder is why. Why me, why have so many of my close friends who LIVE to know God, suffer through miscarriages, failing marriages, financial crisis, health devastators? I can't answer it, I wouldn't even pretend to know. What I can say, is that somehow I have to learn to rejoice both now, and if and when those times come for me, because even David had tragedy in his life after this point in his story. I will too, but I can't fear it. Can't wait for it's scent to beckon me. I have to live. Be grateful. Find a way to put aside the sense of impermanence of my life's good things and just share the joy with others, showing them that they too can be taken "this far."

catchin' up

2009-10-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

36 Weeks
I'm now at 37 weeks and ready for little lady to make her debut! No real signs of her coming yet, I've been having Braxton Hicks for over a month now and am measuring right on track so it's looking like the end of October will bring her to us. We can't wait! We're all stocked up and ready for the most part.

Daddy Time
On Corey's long days or overnight calls Asher and I try to head up to OSF for dinner or lunch or whatever free time Corey can spare. Here Corey is reading Asher his bed time stories in the hospital cafeteria. Asher looks forward to his night time prayers and stories with Daddy, so we were glad to have this chance to see him. Asher also gets really jazzed about the free candy he gets every time we go too ;) It's been a challenging time with the hectic demands on Corey. He gets so little time home and when he is here he often feels tired or distracted, he and I are learning to communicate our frustrations better, though I often find myself erring on the side of irritated instead of compassionate. Something I've been working on and praying about, it's so hard to not let selfishness creep in. In reality I know that he is so tired and so over worked, I just want to do everything I can to make his time at home a time of peace and family connection. He is such a good man! I am so grateful to be supporting him during this less-than-deal time.

Tanner's Orchard-new haircut
And for all of those unable to see Ash in the flesh, here is a pic of his recent haircut that he tells people "made mommy cry." Cause it's true. It did. For nearly 15 minutes after the fact. Sheesh, pregnancy hormones taking a tole! Here he is sitting in the "punkins" after enjoying one of the best apple fritters around. Man, Tanner's makes some delish apple delicacies. I hope this finds you all well. We love you and miss you!

Girls' Night Out

2009-09-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

(clockwise starting with me: Kristen, Amy, Heather, Beth, Kristi, Stephanie and Jessica, the faithful organizer, behind the lens)

Gift opening bonanza

Sometimes I just can't believe that I have only been here since June. These women aren't even all of those whom have loved me, cared for me, met the needs of both myself and my family as many were unable to attend. They have all welcomed me, prayed for me, advised me, brought me meals while on bed rest, listened patiently to my moaning about Corey's schedule, whipped me into shaped when I fell into ingratitude...there is really so much more I could say.

The shower was perfect for me as I'm not a baby games kind of girl, so we went to a fun bistro with an out door terrace where we shared chocolate and cheese fondue, coffee and hilarious stories about ourselves, our children and militant lactation consultants. It was just glorious! If it wasn't enough to get an amazing girls night out, there was gift opening bonus at the end! Beth made me the most beautiful receiving blanket, totally my style, I'll definitely be posting pics of Shiloh wrapped in that one. The rest of the gifts were just perfect and precious, I will cherish each one because I know the sacrifices each woman made to provide for us, I am so undeniably graeful. These ladies are just so thoughtful and fun and REAL...I just feel like it couldn't get any better.

a big boy first

2009-09-15T18:59:00.000-07:00

Well people, Corey had a "good weekend" so we soaked it up! We enjoyed breakfast together as a family then head out to Tanner's Orchard, just a short drive from Peoria for a fun farm day. They had goats and llamas to pet and feed, tractors, cider barrels and ponies to ride, apples to pick and the most amazing apple fritters I've ever laid my hands on, plus samples of a million other delicious treats in their market. Food and outdoors, could it get better?

In front of some weird apple thing. Look, Ash is almost 3 feet tall!

A boy after P-Paw's own heart, riding a pedal tractor.

First close up of a goat, a little timid at first.

Asking for "more moneys" so he could feed the goats again.

And here is our little man riding his very first pony! He was a little scared at first, but once we assured him it was fun and that he could be like Elmo from his Wild Wild West DVD the storm was calmed. He walked around going "Ya! Ya!" or "Wee!" the whole time. Super mommy awesomeness, it was ridiculous how big my grin was.

peedom

2009-09-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'll post more soon concerning our recent escapades to Tanner's Orchard, complete with video of Asher's first pony ride (delayed because I have to drive back out there to retrieve the camera which holds said video), but in the mean time please please read this:

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/09/out-of-mouths-of-babes-moms.html

It made me laugh and yes, pee a little in my pants, which is easier and easier to do these days with a growing baby resting gingerly on my bladder--but that doesn't devalue the hilarity. TRUST me.

praise and good news

2009-09-09T10:27:00.001-07:00

Well folks, I've been keeping some news from you so as not to worry you until I had some conclusion, and I'm happy to say that on Tuesday we found out that the conclusion is very very good!

Last Wednesday I went in for a routine OB appointment only to find out that my amniotic fluid levels were dangerously low. They were at 8.7cm, anything below 8 is typically considered potentially harmful, below 5 is cause for immediate alarm, docs generally want to see 10cm and above. So, I was on bed rest for 5 days, difficult with an almost 2 year old running around, but we have been so blessed her. So so many families came to our aid over those five days, one got the message out to everyone and handled organizing meals and childcare for us, I didn't have to do anything! Hours after I got the news, the next 5 days were totally taken care of, it was

miraculous in its own right! Asher got lots of play time with friends, I was able to rest (which really meant sitting around bored out of my mind, wishing I could catch up on laundry instead). Corey had a light weekend and a half day Monday, so he was around far more than normal too which just made it so much easier.

Then, Tuesday morning I dropped Ash off with some friends and headed for my 9am appointment, fully expecting to be admitted to the hospital and possibly induced at 33 weeks (SCARY!). I had a bag packed, I even had a preemie outfit ready that another sweet friend was thoughtful enough to pick up for us! Corey went in to round on his patients super early so he could be by my side and ask the hard questions. At 915 we had our sono, and lo and behold, the fluid level was up to 11.8cm!!! Not only is baby Shiloh thriving, but I was also lifted off of ALL restrictions! After 5 days of drama and wrestling back and forth with my emotions, we are totally in the clear to let baby come when she is ready.

This experience was so good for me, so rich in learning I'm not even certain I can capture it here. It brought me to tears often, usually during times of prayer, crying out in desperation that I would have more time with Asher, that Shiloh would not have to be in a NICU, but mostly that I could find peace about the situation, no matter the outcome. I realized my pride, many times I questioned the doctors based on my own research, foolishly thinking it was wise to trust my own trivial knowledge over theirs. The Lord was quick to show me my errors, quick to help me come to terms with his will, his plan, and to know that it is always to prosper and not to harm. I walked into that office with a peace that seemed so impossible over the course of those 5 days, he is truly able to do immeasurably more than I could ask.

I feel stretched to the max and achy but normal, nonetheless. I am savoring this time with Ash, knowing that it will change a lot when Shiloh arrives, trusting that it will be a beautiful time for him, for all of us. I'm taking things slower, doing less and enjoying laying on the floor reading books and building blocks. I'm letting the dishes sit in the sink a little longer than usual, letting the laundry remain unfolded until I feel energetic enough to get to it. I'm learning it's ok to have dinner ready a little late, it's ok to let Asher watch a few more minutes of Sesame Street or Elmo or Little Einsteins, it's ok to just stay home and not get those oh-so-important errands done. And you know what...I feel really great about it.

Oh...and one more thing. I cut off all of my hair!

And here is another week to week.
30 weeks-33 weeks

tub time

2009-09-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

Super fun bath time pics of Ash with his buddies, Jude and Charlie. I've never met another kid as much like Ash as Jude. Look at the second pic, they both line up their toys in ridiculously straight lines (and throw themselves into full body convulsions if they are unable to do so). BFF? I'm gonna say probably so.

date day

2009-09-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

Above are a few pictures from a wonderful weekend we had as a family the weekend of August 23rd. It was Corey's "good" weekend (meaning he had call Friday but was off Sat and Sun) and Ash and I really wanted to give him some good unwind time as last month's rotation was quite a doozy. He's on neuro right now and while the call is intimidating the rest of the schedule is a fairly light load. So, back to the date-tastic weekend. We started off the day with a homemade breakfast of migas (which no one up here has ever heard of!), sweet potato hash browns, sausage and OJ, then headed off to a local coffee shop for a fresh french press of coffee roasted in-house (love that!). It was the most amazingly beautiful day so we decided to take Ash to the Botanic Gardens here, which is what is pictured above. He loved just riding around in the stroller with his sunglasses on, pointing out all the birds and butterflies. I LOVE watching Corey and Ash together, they have this bond that is so different than what he shares with me. Around Corey he becomes Mr. Macho, always wanting to run and jump and climb. He can often be heard saying "Daddy watch!" while he scales something jagged and dangerous or jumps into a puddle. He's always trying to impress him, it's amazing to watch how they connect.

At 11 we headed over to the Peterson's house to drop Ash off for a little sleepover. I'm amazed at how we've connected with Nathan and Heather and how much Asher enjoys playing with their little boys, Jude and Charlie. We've barely known them 8 weeks but it already feels so familiar; their faith and passion and interests just blend so well with ours, but more on that another day. They, wonderful that they are, actually offered to watch Asher overnight so that Corey and I could have some alone time to reconnect after all the crazy transitions we've been going through. They've proven themselves to be living THIS over and over again.

So, at 1130 we headed off for our first stop on our date-tastic weekend...massages! Corey had never received a professional massage and I happened to find a place that offered 30min sessions which were much more affordable, as well as prenatal massages, which was just glorious. We had a great time there, though Corey felt a little awkward in the super short robe! We debated where to go for lunch and settled on Panera because though we go there fairly often, it had been 2 years since we've been without Ash. It was nice to actually be able to have conversation over our soup and salad! We went home and took naps at that point, just because we could! Afterward we hit up another local java shop to spend some time together in the Word before heading out for dinner. Corey always mentions his love of German food so I found little dive on the South Side of Peoria that was acclaimed for serving up authentic German fare AND for having loads of German beer on tap-Corey's always encouraged by a good brew. We ordered a big plate to share, mostly sausages whose names ended in schnizel and enjoyed a wicked good porkchop. Our waitress had to have been in her 60's complete with German accent, commenting on which beer Corey should choose by confessing, "That's what I've been drinkin' in the back." She was, by far, the most memorable part of our dinner! Then, to conclude our evening, because I know my hubbie's favorite date is simply dinner and a movie, we went to see "(500) Days of Summer," which we both highly recommend as a great date movie without the typical romantic comedy ending. We felt like college kids again, staying out til midnight!!!

The next morning we slept in as best we could for two people accustomed to waking at 6am or earlier and went to Le Peep for dinner, a super yummy breakfast spot. We met Heather at church around 920a with the boys and ate donuts and drank coffee until the 11a service. Ash was way more focused on the custard filled chocolate donut than on reuniting with mommy and daddy after an evening away. A good sign he was no worse for the wear!

So, there is our long winded story of how we actually got to spend some much needed time rejuvenating our marriage after living in 4 place in 5 months, moving across country, buying a house a week later than expected, discovering undisclosed water leakage in the basement, starting a 75 hour work week, and learning that Asher, in all his advanced skills, has also decided the terrible twos need to come early as well. It was so great to actually feel interesting again, able to talk to Corey about something other than kid-house-job stuff for a whole weekend. We decided we need a getaway like that at least every six months, and that date nights are a monthly must!

expansion

2009-09-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

28-30-32 weeks
Somebody's growin'!

shortbread

2009-08-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

I've taken to baking.
There just isn't anything as satisfying as home baked sweets. In light of this new home maker transformation I've been experiencing, Asher has also found a new passion...

Can I just tell you all how we've been blessed beyond measure? So, in addition to the FREE car I told you about, we have also met some wonderful people who have offered to do some work we need done around the house for extremely reasonable prices. One such project is replacing the carpet in our 2nd story which is a finished attic. It's a great sized room, perfect for guests, an office, even a little play space for Ash but it unfortunately came with 20 year old carpet found to be high in mites and allergens. We had decided to install wood laminate, initially thinking we'd have the time and energy to do it ourselves, but it turns out our very limited family time is too precious to sacrifice for the sake of a few hundred dollars. SO, today I went to Menard's to get paint for the room and happened to step through their doors on the last day of a crazy sale on laminate. They had the high quality stuff, that we would NEVER have been able to afford, on sale for less than the cheap stuff AND the underlayment pad was FREE! We spent just over HALF the amount on the materials than we had expected!!!! Immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine? I must say "YES!" I can't wait to post before and after pictures of our new room!

a change in dynamic

2009-08-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

For three weeks we have been praying about a situation with our family. Corey works 75-80 hours a week, all of which are at OSF, making it stressful and difficult on our marriage to be a one car family. I often had to wake up our 21 month old at 6a to take Corey to work so that we could do basic things like buy groceries, etc. When confessing my frustrations to my friend Kristi, she encouraged me to pray for God to provide a solution, telling me that she and her husband Cole had prayed specifically for a free car when in the same situation. So, with very little faith, I prayed for a free car. Three weeks went by, one day I spent some time praying, then decided to sit out on our front steps in meditation, just listening for God to speak as I had been speaking to him for quite a long time that morning!! And then, strange as can be, I felt him speaking to me very specifically, saying "Ask Karen if you can buy her car and she will give it to you." Now, Karen is our elderly neighbor, who 8 months ago became a widow, leaving her with an extra vehicle. Who in their right mind asks a widow for her car?! That seemed so disrespectful to me, but I kept hearing God call me to do just that. So one day we were visiting with her, and I decided to stop denying God, I followed his leading and asked if she would be interested in letting us buy her car. Her response? "No honey, I won't let you buy that car. I've been planning on just giving it to you." What?! Seriously?! We no longer have to share one vehicle! Not only had she been considering offering us the car, she proceeded to tell us how grateful she was to know that it would be in good hands and that she could see it often as it had been her father's car, who also recently passed away. It's such a strange thing to listen to something supernatural, I feel like a kook even writing this, but it can't be explained any other way!

Not only has the free car been a huge weight off our already heavy list of financial obligations (we likely would not have been able to afford one until well over a year from now), but it has helped our family dynamic and marriage as well. I no longer have to wake Ash up super early (meaning he's back on a much better sleeping routine) to take Corey to work to be able to do basic things like grocery shop, etc., he doesn't feel so bad about never knowing what time we have to be there to pick him up and now I can rest easy knowing I won't be trapped in the house all winter with a 2 year old and newborn! I don't know why we have been chosen for so many bountiful blessings lately, I have a hard time not thinking that it's to soften some sort of very difficult blow that is yet to come. Why can't I just trust that God gives freely, I wish I could find a way to let go of the fear that these good times are being set up to serve as reminders during a future time when things will fall apart? I can't help but question, it's my very nature.

naps

2009-08-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

Ok so it's been a while, I have been napping. I admit it, I've neglected you all and many things for the sake of sleep. It seems I am unable to function past 5 o'clock without at least 30 minutes of snooze in the afternoon...blasted third trimester is zapping me of all my gusto.
Here are some progress pics of the offending party.

26-28-30 weeks (32 soon to come!)

new fun

2009-08-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

No new pics, but I just had to throw it out there than Ash and I went to Chuck E Cheese for the first time. Wow...quite the adventure. He loved the sounds and lights and games, I wasn't super thrilled with the cleanliness (or rather, lack there of), but you know, when you see shear joy on the face of your child when they watch a giant mechanical mouse play the guitar for the first time, you can over look a little dirt.

The third trimester is a kick in the pants. I am so tired all the time again, I'm achy, Asher watches more videos than I ever thought I would let him. Being home all day with no transportation and a busy busy little bee means I am ever so grateful for the endless video queues at SesameStreet.org.

Corey's schedule this month has been overwhelming to us all, most of all to him. He gets 4 days off the whole month, works at LEAST 7A-7P pretty much every day M-F. He's required to wear dress clothes this month so riding the bike to work is out, leaving Ash and I tied to the house for days on end unless I get him up at 615A to take Corey to work (which you KNOW is never a good idea!). I feel like such a burden on our new friends here, I must seem like such a pest, calling consistently to ask for a ride or for babysitting for an appointment or crashing their family time since I don't really have much of that of my own. Boo hoo. I hate to be such a negative Nancy, I'm praying and holding my head up cause I know it's just a phase and that it will be a little better come September, this has just been an exceptionally difficult time. Corey and I are struggling to find the balance between making our relationship a priority, yet also giving Asher enough face time with Daddy. This is the first time in 4 years that our marriage has felt strained, the newness of that is probably more of a shock than the circumstance itself, though we both know we're completely committed til the end. I think it's good for us to have this time of difficulty, it is already molding us, improving our communication skills and helping us evaluate priorities.

We've recently decided that while we have a very strong conviction concerning being a wise steward of our finances, some things just have to come before saving money. For us, that is quality family time and with my growing abdomen there is less and less I am able to do around the house, thus we have decided it would be better for our family to hire some one to do the lawn and the flooring we had planned to install upstairs. We hate to part with precious funds, but the reality is, Ash and I need Corey around more than we need that little extra cash in our bank. We're not out spending like there's no tomorrow, but the things that would take Corey away the most are worth paying for right now. Once Shiloh comes and things settle we may reevaluate that, but for now it feels right. I can't believe she's almost here, I'm scared and thrilled on many levels!

Corey is finally home! Will have to update you more at a later date!!

shopping--again

2009-08-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

Asher likes to open my dresser where I keep my jewelery and "I shopping mommy." Today he came out like this...

Yeah, those are earrings, on his ears. He looped them over the tops of his earlobes. Somebody spends way too much time watching mommy get ready I think.

On another note, Corey and I finally got new phones, so mine is fully functional again, email or comment if you need our new numbers. Corey got the new iPhone, it's way more phone than I can even hope to know what to do with. I just got a "regular" phone, but so far I really like it. And yes, I did get a super indestructible case for it, in the event another toddler fit of rage finds it bouncing along some concrete.

Oh, and here I am with Shiloh at 26 weeks and 28 weeks. Just in case you're wondering ;)

shopping

2009-07-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Ash and I were accompanied by our new friend Kristen to the IKEA just South of Chicago in Bolingbrook this past Monday. I was scoping out a possible couch (for only $149!!!) and a few other items when I came across this fun bedding for Ash:

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/50153222

The other side is cuter, it has stars all over with one character at the top center. I think I'm going to do the kids room in kind of a vintagey Moulin-Rouge kind of theme. Now I just have to find him a twin or toddler sized bed. I like THIS one from IKEA, it's small enough I could probably fit two of them and the crib in the kids room if our family continues to expand. And you can't beat the price!!!

So that's what the next three months are going to consist of as we await the arrival of baby Shiloh. I am hoping to get everything in the house put together so that when she comes not only will I not have to worry about anything or continue to feel a bit discouraged by our home being so un-homey, but also so that from that point forward all of our extra income can be focused on paying off our car and being responsible. I battle back and forth with this, feeling like I'm being utterly superficial and should just live with an empty house, though I know that being home 24-7 in the dead of winter with a 2 year old and an infant, it is just a part of who I am that I need to feel comfortable and at peace with our home. I'm not out to buy a $3ooo sofa or $500 bedspread or anything crazy, I just need a comfy sofa, a warm (and yes, cute) comforter on my bed and organized space (the basement) for Asher to run free and play.

So, here's what we'll be working on:

new flooring in the upstairs for our guests as well as purchasing pillows, sheets, a comforter for the duvet cover and pillow cases I found for $5!!!! at IKEA, a lamp and doing a bit of painting
comforters for the duvet covers I found for our room and for Asher
hanging our art in fun ways and finding little odds and ends to bring it together
a loveseat, storage ottoman and rug for the living room
oranizers and storage from the basement for Ash's toys, looking for a futon or something with metal legs (in case the water leaks again) for seating and trying to figure out how to hang a swing from the rafters!
sewing baby bedding for Shiloh

So lots of little projects, but it begs to be a lot of fun. Hopefully I can recruit some of my fun (and might I say quite stylish) new friends to help bring it all together. I'm looking forward to having projects to do while we wait for our little bundle. When we're done I'll be sure to post before and after pics!

On another note, I've registered at Target for the things we still need for Shiloh. I'm not dead set on these particular items, if any of you find similar things at garage sales I'm totally down!

Tata for now, I'm hoping to have some cute photo ops next week, we'll be going to a farm with little animals kids can hold and to several cook-outs with new people we've met!

get ready...

2009-07-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

For the cutest little boy in underpants you've ever seen...

Corey had reasonably short day on Wednesday, so we decided to spend sometime with the grandparents...and we were craving lemon custard from Hannam's Dairy Dream in Canton. We had multiple motives ;)

The "gooses" at a Canton park. Asher was intrigued, however suspicious.

Camera fun with Mommy and Grandma at the Dairy Dream.

In one of his new outfits. Thanks Grannie and PopPop! They are adorable!!

fun times

2009-07-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

Being a good boys at Kade's Coffee House.
We like to go out for coffee and donuts on Daddy's day off, Asher loves to play with his little animals at the table. And drink chocolate milk, of course!

Playing his new favorite game.
He likes to take anything with any odor and hold it up to his nose saying "Smewell."
Then he wants anybody anywhere near by to smell it too. He apparently really liked the smell of raisins.

A keeper for the highschool yearbook!
Asher is working on going to the "beeg boy pot-teee!"
And of course he had to give the camera his famous smile.

already learning

2009-07-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

The women here have been amazing. That is such a simple statement, but I sat here for quite some time wondering what else to say...I guess that's just the simple fact. I did not know what to expect when I moved here, realistically speaking I was prepared for a lot of loneliness. Instead I was blessed with people who have taken me and my family in, supported us, served and who just recently taught me a valuable lesson about this phase of life I'm in.

I struggle constantly with feeling like I never do enough. In my mind I desire to be this perfectly organized, home-cooking, planet-saving, people-serving, friend-supporting, in-shape person who also happens to be an exceptionally self sacrificing wife and mother. And then on top of all of that, I also tell myself I need to be boldly sharing my faith, getting dirty serving the poor of my community, making a lasting impact on the less fortunate. So...needless to say I don't live up to this. I am in an incessant battle with myself because I never seem to do any of these to my full ability, I've been struggling lately feeling that I have no identity left, I'm just this boring, routine shell of a person with nothing interesting to say unless it starts with "Today Asher...".

Finally I prayed and felt a gentle urging to get vulnerable with the ladies here. Their input and advice has been so encouraging. While they all admit to feeling this way, they reminded me that this season of motherhood, of nurturing and training small children, that it is a not only just a season, but a privileged one. They knocked me out of my selfish thinking to see that God has given me more than I could have asked or imagined, and that God's purpose for me is so much bigger than what I can easily call mundane. He desires that my beauty, my interest come from "that of [my] inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit...[that] this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God made themselves beautiful." "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him." I have been richly rewarded, and in that I must rejoice! The depth and breadth of my task at hand is to serve my family, as they are my greatest treasure, a gift meant to be shared and developed. If someone was given a million dollars, we'd consider it a blessing, especially if we saw that person put that money to the benefit of others. How much more should I do so with the blessing of my children!

It's amazing how quickly I had gotten wrapped up in the materialism and draw of popularity, shedding the armor of the plan I am called to at this point in my life. As my family matures there will be more opportunity for us to serve, to be out patrolling the community for needs to meet, but right now the biggest needs are in my own home, I must not neglect them. I want everything I do to represent Christ well, and if I am only able to run an efficient, healthy, financially responsible and, most importantly, joyful home, then I will "run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]," praying along the way that my family and I "will be delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."

So thank you Amy, Jessica, Kristi and Erika (back in the F-Dub!), for helping me to remember that whether I eat or drink or WHATEVER I do, the most important thing is to do it for the glory of God.

"A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies...
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her...
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

an oldie

2009-07-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

I found this while trying to organize our massive photo files, this is from February '09. I just thought it was too funny not to share! Our little Asher is quite the laugher, it doesn't take much to make him giggle, sometimes he just sits by himself giggling at who knows what! He has been so true to his name!

petting zoo

2009-07-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my new moms group, we have an ample array of activities to choose from on any given week. Last week we went to a FREE petting zoo at a local library. Asher was fascinated by watching the llamas eat, he even tried to feed the white one some grass!

2009-07-09T17:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Sweet Asher,

I was in awe of you today, I just couldn't let it get forgotten and wasn't sure where else to jot it down. You are 20 months old, you sing songs from the radio and dance with wild, soulful abandon and sometimes you call me "Mom" instead of Mommy. You hugged me today for the first time and said "Love you, Mommy" without any prompting. My heart fluttered. I wondered if you felt it, being that it is always in your pocket, beating outside of me. We went on a play date with our new friends today, you saw a llama, a turtle, a pot-bellied pig and many other animals up close for the first time and you were so brave. Then we went to the playground and I was enamored as you sprinted and laughed and climbed stairs...when did you get so big? How could it be that you aren't the tiny baby I brought home just the other day? I love every minute of being with you, even when you scream "No!" over and over and ask if you can "Hit Mommy?". I love knowing that this is a phase, and that behind it all you are an indelibly good boy and that you are growing into something amazing right before my eyes.

My main inspiration for writing this happened just moments ago. After playing "tackle" and sending your piggies to market and shooting hoops we read a few books, and then you snuggled into my lap, your sweet face collapsing onto my chest and squeezed me tight. I sang to you. Hymn after hymn hoping that somehow the words would resonate into your very soul, I felt your breathing get deeper and heavier and then you were fast asleep. I sat there in that rocking chair for quite some time just staring into your cherub face, watching your eyelids flicker as you dreamed, feeling your full weight against my growing tummy. I imagined you snuggling with Shiloh, making her feel safe wrapped up close to you, I can't wait for the day you get to meet her. I'm looking forward to it so intently, but I will also miss this time with just me and you and your daddy. I'll miss noticing every little change in you and I'll miss the grocery trips with just you and me and the hugs you give me across the cart. I know that these things will be replaced with even greater gifts and that I will fall in love with you all over when I see the loving and dutiful big brother you will become. I can't believe I get to be YOUR Mommy, God gave us you, and we would never wish for any other little boy. Not in a million years. I hope you get to read this some day and know how much it means to me that you will be the example for all the siblings to come. You are an incredible boy Asher James.

With so much love,
Mommy

meetin' moms

2009-07-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am just totally in awe of God's faithfulness.

In April the realization that I would soon be leaving everything I'd come to feel so comfortable in became utterly at hand and I began praying for a few specific things. I've already told you all about our prayers for the right Body to be a part of, but in addition to that I had also prayed specifically about being able to connect with other moms here in Peoria and other women in general. I was bold in asking that God would help me find a group, even, who would encourage my faith, be a willing ear to my troubles and insecurities and who, above all, would use the to Bible and it's principles to help me grow as a disciple, a wife, a mother. We have scarcely been here a month and that prayer has already been abundantly answered. Through the church that God lead us to I met J, who introduced me to a whole slew of others moms who I've been doing a Biblical book study on parenting with and with whom I've also had the privilege of going on many a play date. Corey and I even have a grown ups only date on Saturday with one of the couples! This is of particular excitement because Corey is not going to have much free time to get to know other faithful men up here, so this time with A and M will be golden for us all!

So, without further ado, here a picture from our most recent play activity at "Safety Town" here in Peoria, a little road course for kids on wheels that includes street signs, stop lights and even exit ramps and overpasses! Asher and A's son couldn't stand to wait for the other to play in this car, so they just decided to drive together! (Without any fits I might add!)

I love how S has his arms around Asher, like he's keeping him in! They are right around the same age and seem to really enjoy each other, I can't wait to see them become BFFs!

Today has also been kind of a difficult day for me. Last week some friends celebrated the birth of their incredibly handsome little son, and today is scheduled to be the birthday of one of my dearest friends' third child. My heart has felt heavy and weary that I couldn't be there with her, praying with her and holding her hand before the C-section, encouraging her of God's faithfulness, that I wasn't there in the first precious hours of his life. Up until now nothing about being away from Texas has brought me tears, but while today is a day of rejoicing, I do so with a longing that won't soon be fulfilled. It's harder than I thought. Happy Birthday little man, may you be as zealous in protecting the honor of the Lord as your namesake...but maybe without spears.

idea

2009-07-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

So, anyone looking to get Asher something he will really really love (and that will give mommy a little break everyday) should consider this...

http://www.amazon.com/Best-Elmos-World-DVD-Collection/dp/B000FQJPRI/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t

Just sayin' ;)

July 4th

2009-07-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

Playing "tackle" with our new friend M, in awe of first-time fireworks, posin' with Daddy and Mommy

The 4th of July was fun, we went to a big amphitheatre in a park here and enjoyed a picnic with 4 other couples we've met. While the kids danced to the bands and ran around we all discussed the joys and difficulties of parenting with the heavy responsibility of training our children up in the Lord's ways rather than in the prevalent hypocrisy of Western religion. I so enjoy having made other faithful friends with children already. Asher was in awe of the fireworks despite being up way past his bedtime. We ended the night all laying together under the stars, Ash sandwiched between Corey and I as we gazed up at the amazing glittering sky. It was an awesome mommy moment to say the least.

Well, we have 10 days of hard working residency under our belt, and I have to say it's not as hard this month as I anticipated. Corey has some really hard days, but I see him more than expected! His schedule is far from routine, the length of time he works depends on how many patients he had admitted under him at any one time. He typically goes in anytime from 530A-7A, the more the patients, the earlier he gets there. He's been riding his bike when he can to give Asher and I the car so we can meet with friends, get groceries and just maintain our sanity as neither Asher nor I are home bodies in the slightest! On a "regular" day he gets off between 2P and 5P. Those days are pretty good and happen 3-4 times a week, then he also has 2 call days a week. These are the DOOZIES. He gets in around 6A and doesn't leave until 9-10A the FOLLOWING day. Yes, that means he as at the hospital for over 24 hours!!! He doesn't have to work his "post call" days, but as you might guess he spends the majority of the day recuperating. He has 4 days off a month, two of which comprise his "good weekend" where he is on call Thursday but then off Friday (post call) and then has both Saturday and Sunday off. This week is his good weekend, so I've been busy trying to plan fun stuff for us to do, it's looking like we may even have a kid-free date night on Saturday! The other two days off are either a Saturday or Sunday on two other weeks, so there is always a period of about 14 days without any days off in the mix. Hurray for the good weekend!

So, that was long winded, but I thought you all might be interested in knowing what a resident's schedule looks like, especially those of you medschool wives who are reading!! The thing I'm learning most right now is that to make a marriage and family work in this type of situation means that there is no room for my own selfishness, which just molds right into the plan Christ has for my life. I'm finding that the more I can do to make Corey's time at home full of leisure and rest, the better life is for all of us. A new friend of mine up here told me that she always does all of the yard work because that's an hour and a half a week that her husband can spend with her and their children instead of in further solitude, and I thought that was such a lovely way of looking at the things we do. I mow the yard and do the outside work while Asher naps then Corey is able to come home to an oasis free from chores and lists. I've found that adopting this attitude has actually inspired Corey to be more helpful around the house, I love his spirit of love and gratitude for all I do. A day never goes by that he doesn't compliment me for cooking, or doing the many chores I do around the house or just for the task of raising Asher. His words of praise are incredibly powerful reinforcement!

Austin Adventures

2009-07-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

Asher spent tons of time with Daddy before D-Day.
(At the Zilker Park Train, in our new hiking backpack, enjoying the cows and some Amy's)

Loving the "Beeg Boy Bi-sick-cal"
(He keeps asking, "Where Asher bi-sick-cal?" ever since!)

catching up--photo overload

2009-07-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

A little bit from Easter '09...

Showing Ash how it's done. All 9 of us!.

Sharing the chocolately love with Auntie and Unky
Preparing for the hunt. Helmet ready.

Here, demonstrating his egg hunting prowess

Lots more to come...the new mattress beckons!

new in town

2009-07-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

Moving to a new city is a little frightening, but also incredibly exciting. Months and months past with untold apprehension stirring in my heart as I pondered and prayed about leaving the closest relationships I've ever had behind in Texas. Many lengthy times of prayer were spent asking for peace, for the ability to trust, to find the right people in our new place, for Corey to make deep connections despite his hectic schedule, for Asher to adjust well...so much to consider.

To catch you up a bit, we moved from Texas May 29th, our 4 year anniversary, taking two days to make the 15 hour drive a little more bearable for Ash. We spent time together, trying to savor what we knew would be a momentous and memorable trip. Once in IL we lived with Corey's grandparents in Havana for upwards of a week, wading through the flood of last minute paperwork and miscommunication from our mortgage lender and trying our best to enjoy the time with them despite the looming possibility that we might not actually get to move into our house. Thankfully on June 6th we cleared up the last of our issues and with every ounce of humility and peace we had left, signed our life away to buy this home that we've fallen in love with. We've had a few hiccups in our own "American Dream," like a very leaky basement, a newly purchased (used) lawnmower that died after 20 minutes, epoxy, pee and dog puke on the carpet in Ash's room (all in one day!) and continual bumps over nothing...but looking back now, it all seems like it was meant to be.

We went to church for the first time here, apprehensive about what we might find as we felt led by the Spirit to step away from the church we'd always known and venture into a new unknown. We prayed, we fasted, we asked for assurance and guidance and found it answered that Sunday morning. Getting to church early we were stoked to find out that they had donuts (!) but were nervous because getting there 20 minutes before it started lent an auditorium full of grey hair! However, soon after the rest of the congregation began coming in and Asher immediately spotted a spry little blonde girl about his size, jumped off my lap (leaving the donut, mind you) and yelling "Hi gewl!" I lunged after him, meeting M and J for the first time. They were WONDERFUL, the answer to so many prayers. They chatted with us, introduced us to lots of other people, even some that live right in our neighborhood, had us over for dinner that week...they have been incredible. I would feel very lonely here were it not for her genuine, easy going, patient friendship.

I started going to a study group with J and few other ladies from our church as well as several other women of faith in the community. We're reading Lou Priolo's Teach Them Diligently, a book I'm finding overwhelmingly convicting. At the first meeting all the kids (I think there were 12 or something!) played happily in the back yard while the we all discussed our fears about raising truly genuine children of faith, not repeating the hypocrisy of the past, and how we fail in living the life we're called so often but are willing to help each other fight and learn and strive to grow more and more. I felt very at peace, encouraged by the vulnerability of so many of the ladies who shared deeply about themselves despite there being a total stranger in the room. Many of them shared with me personally later that they want to be here for me and that if I needed anything, that they would be willing to oblige. I just have to say, God has been good to us.

So, to end this marathon catch up, Corey started working today. He went in at 615am and won't get home until 10a tomorrow, they just kind of threw him in! He'll go back in on Friday again at 6a, but will likely get off in time to see the fireworks with us and our new friends. (Yes, there are fireworks on July 3rd and 4th here...don't hate). I had such a wonderful day today, I hope it continues but am prepared for the difficult ones. Ash and I had waffles together this morning while listening to some of our favorite indie-emo tunes, headed to the YMCA where he played for an hour while I exercised a bit then went J's house for a little play time-dress alteration prep-lunch-lawn mower borrowing. Came home, Ash took a nap, I mowed the lawns so Corey could enjoy his time with us instead of laboring on the grass, had a snack, got rootbeer floats (hey, I worked out AND mowed!!), bought groceries, played in the park, drank a dinner smoothie, took a bath, and now I write this while he sleeps. No fits, no time outs, no pow pows, Asher was the best little boy I could ever imagine spending my day with. Sometimes I lose my breath when I think of how incredibly wonderful it is to be his mommy.

Day 1

2009-06-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

(Going away from Texas)

Well, it seems some how long awaited that I be sitting here typing again. It's a little weird to me that so many of my family and friends and yes, even strangers, have been asking me when I'm going to start blogging again. I've been surprised to find out that it's not just funny pics and vids of Ash that people come here for.

So in that spirit, I've decided that this blog will evolve from having a superfluously one-sided focus on Asher, to being a place that includes him and Corey, the new baby due in October, me, the hands behind all the typing, and how all of our faith molds everything we do. I'll try to include pictures and fun things to keep you up on our days in and days out, and I'll do my best to write from the heart, promising to be in honest in every possible way. Let me just say that some of you may not like some of the things I may write, and that's ok. It's even ok if you comment and say so, I look forward to the rebuttal as much as the communal head nod.

I'm not really sure how many children we will be led to have, so I chose a title for this space that would apply to all of us. Me-always questioning how to be a better wife, a more involved and positive mother, a deeper friend and follower of Christ. Corey-adding to my list he also questions his strength in his career, his motives, his skills and abilities in such a way that he unwittingly manages to strive higher and longer and farther than we ever expect. Asher-boy DOES he question. Right now it's a battle of who gets to have the final say, "will Mommy and Daddy REALLY give me a pow pow if I don't do what they ask?" His infinite ability to test the boundaries of our patience and undying love for him has seemed excruciatingly limitless lately-we will prevail!! And then baby Shiloh-due to arrive late October, she leads us all to question how we can love another little nearly as much as our sweet son, and excited to see how the Lord expands the portion of love our hearts can hold.

So, there you have it, day 1, post 1 of a 5 year journey raising children during the crazy life of residency. More on that soon to come...